Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I warned you never trust those elves!

Very much to his disliking,
Santa spends all night hitch-hiking.
With a sign that reads, "Ho ho slow down,"
Santa Claus is thumbing to town.

Every car just drove right past him,
And sped right out of sight.
Santa never got to ask them
To drive around the world in just one night.

It's weird that even here, all the way across the country from the place I've called home for years, with a sense of foreboding always present, in a hotel surrounded by strangers, even here it's starting to feel like Christmas. I've been doing some baking to keep myself occupied and distracted, and it's been... nice. At least here.

Sure, as I've said, there's always that presence, that need to look over your shoulder because there's something there. But you can't let that cripple you. I've been sick as a dog over the last few days, which really is not fun with still-healing ribs. I'm dealing with it and Tia's been looking after me, though.

 It's funny, these moments where things honestly feel almost normal. You can't revel in those moments for long, of course. Complacency is an enemy just as much as anything tangible is.  But you treasure these moments. You treasure them, and when things are dark, you look back on them. You look back on them and say: "Oh, that's why. That's why I'm persevering."

It's been oh gosh, six or so years since the last time Tia and I spent Christmas together. It's funny, being around someone who you don't even really have to talk to make things work. It's just comfortable. We know eachother and it just meshes sometimes. There's been christmas songs playing off and on in the hotel room we're staying in. Not complacency, just making the most of the moments we have.

I've been fretting over people, of course. I always do. It seems to be my normal mode of being. Worrying over people I've both met, and people I've never even gotten the nerve to speak to. That's always going to be an issue, I think. No matter what, I'm just... shy and feel like I can offer nothing of value to people's situations.

Then there's the dreams. They're more of the same, really. Nothing that most people wouldn't expect, given the situation, I guess. They've just gotten worse due to the meds, maybe. While I really dislike the meds I'm on, they do make matters easier, and it gives Tia one less thing to worry about.

Anyway, I have to figure out how to do Chritmas shopping for people that I have no idea of their locations or if my own location will be steady. Mrf.


  1. I know how that feels. Worrying over lots of people, even ones you barely know. It becomes a hard habit to break. Still got it too.

    Ah, christmas songs. I like them...but when you work in retail and have to hear them over and over and over all day long. Kind've wears on ya.

    Glad to hear you're getting enjoyment out of it despite your situation. Got to take the time to enjoy the little things, especially when everything else is bad.

  2. Lis, just stay safe. That's the only thing I want from you for Christmas, alright?

  3. @Adam: Oh, see, I worked retail, but I guess that's the good part of working at a tiny thrift shop where you get to help choose the music, yeah? And we're... We're working on it.

    @Elaine: I don't take risks that are not needed or not calculated, Elaine. Despite what it probably looks like.

  4. Good Luck. Enjoy Christmas, if you can. Wish i could help, but this is about all i can do. You inspire me, so keep on rocking!


  5. I. Well. Tia had to tell me to quit flailing at this comment.
    I don't know about inspiring, but I'm doing what I can to get by... The way I see it, finding reasons to be happy and to try and do what I can for others is the biggest middle finger I can throw up at this situation. And I'm stubborn enough to try.
    Thanks for the offer of help, but I think we're dealt for the moment. You have a happy Christmas as well, if you can manage it.

  6. Adorable is an exaggeration, surely.

  7. It's the utter truth! we are arguing over comments again, when we spend a majority of our time within 5 feet of another.

  8. I can honestly say, I am jealous that you were happy for at least a part of your holidays. Mine were full of blood and pain and secrets, and lots and lots of secrets. Yes, I said secrets twice. Yes, it was on purpose.