Breaking

Can't deal with this right now. My brain is fracturing. Crumbling in places. Shore up the walls and keep moving. Have to stay strong for Tia and Kailin... Ha. Strong. Right. Bullshit. I've never been the strong one. I've just been the one who's good at lying to herself.

Too much input, not enough output. Not enough output. Not enough output.

Day by day I'm here behind you
First I seek you, then I find you
Deep into the earth I grind you

Time stands still here, the air is stagnant, and things are twisting. Tia's mobile, at least. I don't care, as soon as we get out of this, we're getting her discharged.People say that hope is a fruitless emotion. They insinuate that we should simply roll over, expose our throats and stomachs and wait for the moment to come, and hope it's quick. That or allow ourselvesto be twisted and molded, made playthings of what is supposedly fate. Some have no options, but somewhere along the line, there were Choices.

There's a vulture on my shoulder
And he's telling me to give in
Always hissing right in my ear
Like it's coming from my own head
It's got me mixed up
Trying not to give up
Tell me there's a way to get out of here
Fixed at zero

There's someone in here other than us.... I'm not sure who, but I've seen them. All the more reason to find a way out. It's odd, walking along the halls and looking for weak spots.

Sometimes we come across tabelaux featuring people we've met so far. Friends. Loves. Names. Faces. Twisted and broken in ways I refuse to describe. I respect them too much to do so. Even if these are just shadows. That fact might even make it worse.

I could have done more. Somehow. Useless, pointless, worthless, ineffectual little bitch. We will lose everything and gain nothing. This is but one branch on the tree.

No.

... Tia's not going to be happy when she sees me saying things like that about myself. I just... It would be so easy to give in to the part of myself that says those things. To quit caring. To quit hurting. To quit loving. To be cold. To be empty. It sounds so tempting. Perhaps that's better than some of the other options.

I told someone once that I didn't want to take the easy path, though. He told me he was "something like proud" of me for that. Heh. I've spoken with others about such thoughts. Heaven forbid I go back on such a thing now.

The dominoes topple one by one. So few are left standing. Who will choose to help keep them standing?  I wish. I wish I could do more. People hurting, preying on themselves and others. One side or another, it doesn't matter. Things will spiral away from the best-laid plans of all. The high and mighty, who believe themselves above such things, will topple just as the smallest of us has. No matter if they serve or do not.  Humbleness is a virtue that would be well-recieved on the part of all.

Too bad the vast majority seem to prefer pride and vainglory.

I'm no saint. I'm no leader. I'm just an artist and a recluse. I will do what I can, though. I have people who rely on me. That's something. Right now, that's everything. A beacon, a path, a shining blade to cut through the shadows. I wish it were so simple.

Found it.

Witty comment

Still not sure of the time or the day. Funny, that. It's like, when I try to check on the laptop or my phone, my eyes just skid away from any numbers.

I know my blood runs hot,
And I've seen my blood is thick
I'm told my blood's not sweet,
And I cry, "my soul is sick"

Funny girl... We're on the move. It's eerie, the feeling of emptiness where there should be people. There are symbols scratched along the walls occasionally in this not-hospital. A certain symbol is absent, thankfully. Almost a week in the hospital or more. Yeah, more than a week we were there. This isn't the same place, though.

When I went to check the hall where the squeaking was, I saw, of all things, Marie... Who is dead. At least, it looked like her. I know it wasn't, though. I don't know how, but I know it was just a figment of this place... Of course, the dissipating into laughing mist might have helped that assumption.

The hospital grows more convoluted as we move, looking for a way out. Labyrinthine. Who is the Minotaur this time, and will we even see trace? Have to keep moving. The thing about true labyrinths is that they are not mazes. There is a path out.

Wheelchairs are evil.

Seriously, have you ever noticed how often wheelchairs show up when something not quite "right" is about to happen? Wheelchairs are probably secretly planning the demise of us all. I won't be surprised if this is true, even if they are inanimate objects.

I should clarify a little, I guess. Maybe they fit some symbolic niche within the collective unconscious human mind. Helplessness? Maybe, though I know at least some people confined to wheelchairs would protest that. Probably pretty vehemently.

Anyway, Tia woke up.  Almost amusingly, that's when things went to hell. There was a shift to the air as the colors started to fade. What day was it? What day is it? The last time I checked the calendar, it was the ninth or tenth, I think. The days have been running together here, even with everything.

Right, back on topic. It's always disturbing to me when the colors go. I don't think most people quite get what I mean by that, not really. Imagine that you spend your life at least partially in a vivid swirl of things, shifting in the back of your mind, in the back of your eyes. No, that's not right. I... Have a hard time describing it with just words. These times, though... Everything is just gray. Maybe not literally, but that's how it seems to me. I think it's hard for people to grasp how much that shakes me.

Things are thrown into such stark relief. The scratches on the baseboard. Patterns incomprehensible. Hello there, writing on the wall. No, I don't want to impart your words of wisdom to the dear readers, what there are of them. I will anyway.

It may seem a strange principle to enunciate as the very first requirement in a hospital that it should do the sick no harm.

Someone has a sick sense of humor. No pun intended.

But Tia's awake. That counts for something, right? I sound so... hollow. For once, in this, we're together. Kailin's still at the bedside, something having snapped zer out of a doze in the chair. Pity, really, zie hasn't been sleeping much at all. Those dark eyes are locked on the door, though. Tia's awake, but god, she looks so pale.

There's a squeaking sound from the hall, and that's what triggered the thoughts on wheelchairs. The hospital didn't have any squeaky-rusty ones that I know of, though. But then, that assumes that this is anything normal. Even the squeaking is gray.

I don't want to go look. But you know me... I ran toward the screams, not away. Sometimes you have to.

We Soldier On... Or Something

Maybe I was trying to be nice about your attitude and demeanor, Kailin.

They took Tia away yesterday. The doctors wouldn't tell us what exactly was wrong, but well... You saw what Kailin overheard. I was almost tempted to poke zer to nick Tia's chart. If nothing else, due to my job, I'm good at deciphering nurse's notes and stuff from doctors.

We couldn't chance getting kicked out, though. Of course. So we just sat yesterday, and talked some. Kailin's definiely interesting to talk to sometimes. But then again, I commend anyone that can keep up with my nervous rambling.

Essentially, due to the circumstances, they probably had to either induce labor or abort... It wouldn't even be counted as a miscarriage at this point. It'd just be count as a lost pregnancy. I just... This is wrong.

I hate being unable to do anything. They brought back Tia last night... She's so pale, and she hasn't woken up yet. She seems more stable, though. Less shuddery and at least there's a few positive things there... She's just... asleep now. I talked one of the nurses into letting us stay in Tia's room again with her. If nothing else, it would be good to have someone in here in case she wakes up. 

I feel sure she's going to be disoriented when she wakes. Because she's going to wake up.

...One of the nurses just said the doctor wants to speak with me when he comes in today. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. This is going to be hell on our funds, but at least we have stuff saved up still.  It's worth it, anyway. I just wish... I wish things weren't this way. But then, don't we all?

I've seen a few things around here that have put me on edge, but for now, my focus is Tia and Kailin and maintaining things as best I can.  Everything seems to be trying to crumble, though. As always. And I've been making myself sick again. We'll manage, though. I don't know what else to say other than that right now.

Sleepless in the Waiting Room

I'm not sleeping. Chilled out is not the phrase that I would use for me, though Lis seems to think it appropriate (that's cute).

I did meet a guy in the caf last night. I think he had the hots for me. Totally drooling the whole time. Totally worthless. A waste of my time.

Sarcasm. I have it.

The doctor's are whispering things. They think no one can hear. They think we're asleep. They want to save Tia. Not the baby. It's too early on to save the baby. There's really no hope for it. Webbed toes and fingers and incomplete organs.

And it's pretty much not going to make it. Too complex. Black blood everywhere. It's started to die in the womb. And it could kill Tia.

I've said too much.

Tia doesn't know.

She's still K.O.

Lucky me. First to know, and no way to fix the situation.

Hospital smell

Yeah, I've been painting still. It helps me stay calm. Kailin's chilled out a little. We can't leave right now, and it's been enough trouble as it is to convince the staff that they shouldn't just kick me and Kailin out, because we're "not family".

...It's incredibly awkward to play the "I'm her girlfriend" card sometimes, even if it's true. Especially when you're not sure how people will react.

Tia's still in and out. There's very little coherency to her right now, and the doctors... There's something they're not saying at the moment. Still. I hate when people hide things.

I've honestly never been so... unnerved by a hospital, though. Maybe it's because of recent events. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm constantly being watched when I'm in the halls. Maybe it's because of that little girl I saw in the ER waiting room the other night with the dead, calculating eyes and the miswrought smile as her "father" fawned over her. Maybe it's the scratchings I see along the baseboards from the corner of my eye that aren't there when I look straight on.

Or maybe that's just the lack of sleep talking and those were all waking-dreams. Kailin went to talk to... someone in the cafeteria last night. I know that much. Zie's not telling who it was at the moment,but I have a suspiscion.

...I'm going to try to get a nap. I have to, or I'll be even more useless than usual.

Uhm... Right.

Tia's not doing so well, and it's late enough that we haven't been able to find a clinic open nearby. We're going to the ER at the nearest hospital to get some things checked on. Everything should be fine. This is going to be hell on our funds, but it's worth it to try and keep everyone healthy. Right? Right. We'll manage. Definitely.

... Stupid birthday. Stupid shadows. Go away. Go away. Go away.




This is my fault.
I... We'll be fine.

A Little Under the Weather

Been less than stunning lately. Kind of catching up with me.


Don't worry, I'm sure everything's just fine. All in working order. Just kind of feeling shitty.


Birthday plans will have to be postponed.


Sorry Lissie Love.

HBD

happy birthday to me... Happy Birthday to me. Heh. Something like that. Can't really bring myself to look at it that way right now. I feel sure we'll do something later today.