Sunday, April 15, 2012

Breaking

Can't deal with this right now. My brain is fracturing. Crumbling in places. Shore up the walls and keep moving. Have to stay strong for Tia and Kailin... Ha. Strong. Right. Bullshit. I've never been the strong one. I've just been the one who's good at lying to herself.

Too much input, not enough output. Not enough output. Not enough output.

Day by day I'm here behind you
First I seek you, then I find you
Deep into the earth I grind you

Time stands still here, the air is stagnant, and things are twisting. Tia's mobile, at least. I don't care, as soon as we get out of this, we're getting her discharged.People say that hope is a fruitless emotion. They insinuate that we should simply roll over, expose our throats and stomachs and wait for the moment to come, and hope it's quick. That or allow ourselvesto be twisted and molded, made playthings of what is supposedly fate. Some have no options, but somewhere along the line, there were Choices.

There's a vulture on my shoulder
And he's telling me to give in
Always hissing right in my ear
Like it's coming from my own head
It's got me mixed up
Trying not to give up
Tell me there's a way to get out of here
Fixed at zero


There's someone in here other than us.... I'm not sure who, but I've seen them. All the more reason to find a way out. It's odd, walking along the halls and looking for weak spots.

Sometimes we come across tabelaux featuring people we've met so far. Friends. Loves. Names. Faces. Twisted and broken in ways I refuse to describe. I respect them too much to do so. Even if these are just shadows. That fact might even make it worse.

I could have done more. Somehow. Useless, pointless, worthless, ineffectual little bitch. We will lose everything and gain nothing. This is but one branch on the tree.

No.

... Tia's not going to be happy when she sees me saying things like that about myself. I just... It would be so easy to give in to the part of myself that says those things. To quit caring. To quit hurting. To quit loving. To be cold. To be empty. It sounds so tempting. Perhaps that's better than some of the other options.

I told someone once that I didn't want to take the easy path, though. He told me he was "something like proud" of me for that. Heh. I've spoken with others about such thoughts. Heaven forbid I go back on such a thing now.

The dominoes topple one by one. So few are left standing. Who will choose to help keep them standing?  I wish. I wish I could do more. People hurting, preying on themselves and others. One side or another, it doesn't matter. Things will spiral away from the best-laid plans of all. The high and mighty, who believe themselves above such things, will topple just as the smallest of us has. No matter if they serve or do not.  Humbleness is a virtue that would be well-recieved on the part of all.

Too bad the vast majority seem to prefer pride and vainglory.

I'm no saint. I'm no leader. I'm just an artist and a recluse. I will do what I can, though. I have people who rely on me. That's something. Right now, that's everything. A beacon, a path, a shining blade to cut through the shadows. I wish it were so simple.

Found it.

25 comments:

  1. "I will do what I can, though."
    Is that not all that can be asked of someone?
    Look after yourself as well, Lis.
    For Tia and Kailin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Ember. Really. We'll keep persevering.

      Delete
    2. We should talk some time, okay?

      Delete
  2. This is why you're strong.Keep on running. don't ever look back

    ReplyDelete
  3. You don't need to care, hurt, or love to keep fighting.
    Motivation is what they crush when they want to make you roll over.
    Motivation is what the manipulate when they want to mold you.

    Just fight. Find a reason later.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Personally, some of us need a supporting reason. As I say, I'm not strong.

      Delete
  4. At this point if she is mobile, fuck getting her discharged, get her the fuck out of there.

    You are strong in your own way Lis. You've made it this far yeah?
    I know that is something I've said to you so many times but I'm going to keep telling you that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're out. I just don't want to get in legal trouble on top of everything else.

      Delete
  5. I finished reading this blog with Nick the other day.

    I despise every single commentator on this blog.

    Every single one of you supported a woman's decision to try and carry a child to term while being stalked by the SLENDER MAN, a CHILD EATING MONSTER. What the hell is wrong with you people?! As if not being able to defend yourself and being immobile due to pregnancy was bad enough, you're offering up delicious human-veal to the beast on a silver platter!

    It's no wonder they're stuck where they are now! You're all IDIOTS.

    I respect Tia's decision...but... ARGH! Not a single one of you tried to talk her out of it?! And to everyone who was THINKING what I just wrote here, you should be ashamed for not having the balls to SAY anything.

    I HATE YOU ALL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ellen will not let me delete her comment, and she will not let me apologize on her behalf.

      That said, I'm sorry everyone.

      That said, Keep moving you three. You're in a tough spot, but keep in mind that it's had to leave people alone for YEARS at a time before. You're racing the devil right now. You can make it!

      Good luck.

      Delete
    2. Ellen: If you notice, we, at lest, acknowledged that something was highly likely to happen. Not that that's any real comfort to Tia at the moment. Believe me when I say that there were many, many discussions over the last months as to this situation. Especially due to the circumstances surrounding the conception and our current status. It was still early enough in the term that she could have easily chosen to... But that choice was taken away from her, obviously. And we made the "mistake" of getting attached to, at the very least, the idea...

      Nick (do you mind if I call you that?): Uhm... Hi,there. Thanks for the apology. The reaction is sort of understandable on some levels, though.

      At the moment' we'vve gotten some good distance away, but well... I'm currently the only one who can drive, and unfortunately, I need sleep. As much as that's an issue at times.

      Delete
    3. Dear Ellen,
      Fuck you. You're a horrible stupid bitch.

      Have a nice day.

      Delete
    4. @Swan: Swan, I am a bitch today, but you are always going to be the ugly tool of a faceless monster. Tomorrow, I may be less of a bitch, but you will still be the ugly tool of a faceless monster.

      @Lissie: It's called an abortion. There's nothing wrong with writing a word on a blog page. Women have them. IT HAPPENS. There's shame in it, yeah, but not so much you can't say the damn word. I don't mind the choice you guys made. Just don't FEAR a damn word, okay? Words can't jump off the page and kill someone, you've got a Faceless Business-prick for that.

      Delete
    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    6. That's simply not true. You'll probably always be a bitch but one day I'll die and won't be anything but an fiery moment trapped in time. Probably long before you stop being a bitch.

      Delete
    7. You know, all this bickering was pretty fucking disgusting. Lis, I'm sorry that this shit happened on your page when you obviously needed support.

      Ellen, take your goddamn condescending bullshit to a place where people care. The people that write this blog aren't the genre-stupid fucktards that you're used to dealing with. They're good, honest people that don't deserve your normal brand of hateful words. Yes, I understand why you'd say what you have. Do me a favor, and say them on posts where the people writing them aren't crying out for MOTHERFUCKING HELP.

      Tia deserved to make the decision herself. All of them need to get the fuck out of that crazy hospital, and find a place to mend and heal. It's obviously not a good place for mental health in freaking general.

      Lis, my email: doesthisseemfamiliar@gmail.com

      Drop a line any time.

      Oh, and just in case I didn't make it obvious? People should really show some fucking respect.

      Delete
  6. Ellen: That has a bit to do with how I was raised. Some subjects still aren't the most comfortable to me, though I've tried to mature past that. On one level or another, this is at least partially my fault, and I know it. For all Tia might try to deny that fact and for all others may say it's not. I accept that and try to learn and improve on things. Also, chill.

    Swan: You calm down, or so help me, I will turn this blog around, young man. Thank you for bothering to comment, though.

    Amy: Uhm, thanks for the endorsement, hon. And yeah, that's what we're going to be trying to do. Find a chance for Tia to recuperate. Physically and mentally.

    I'll definitely be in contact.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I refuse to calm down. I will just take my huff else where.

      Probably, to Fracture.

      Delete
    2. ... That was meant to be a reply to the comment-thread abov... what the heck, Blogspot? I'm not even going to bother fixing it right now.

      Delete
    3. Huffy the Magic Dragon.
      Sorrry... I'm just a bit stressed at the moment. Thank you anyway. Sorry.

      Delete
    4. Awkwardly over protective comment is awkward. Sorry, Lis, I blew my top.

      Delete
    5. It's okay, honey. I appreciate the sentiment with which it was intended. And I can understand losing your temper. I just... can't afford to at the moment.

      Delete
  7. I'm really, really sorry.

    Ellen's usually a LOT nicer. She's under a bit of pressure at the moment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay... Well. I'm not too miffed about it, but, well. Thank you for the apology.

      ...Sometimes, dissenting opinions are needed. Admittedly, they could be stated a little, better, yeah. I'm just trying to do my best for us.

      Delete