Tia's not doing so well, and it's late enough that we haven't been able to find a clinic open nearby. We're going to the ER at the nearest hospital to get some things checked on. Everything should be fine. This is going to be hell on our funds, but it's worth it to try and keep everyone healthy. Right? Right. We'll manage. Definitely.
... Stupid birthday. Stupid shadows. Go away. Go away. Go away.
This is my fault.
I... We'll be fine.
Showing posts with label denial. Show all posts
Showing posts with label denial. Show all posts
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Goodbyes
Death comes so often for those who don't even come close to deserving it.
Some people say they want to just forget things. They want to just forget anything bad has ever happened. Even if I could, I wouldn't. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what happens to me personally, I want to always remember the people I've met during this time of my life. No matter how terrible the other memories I'm stuck with are, I want to remember. They deserve that much. They deserve so much more, but I'm just me. As ineffectual and unfortunate as ever.
"Someone" left the scarf I gave August on the doorstep of our hotel room this morning. The golden yellow of the yarn was dark and stained with his blood... It's soaking in the sink right now.
For once I almost can't say "If I'd only done this one thing, something differently..." Doesn't stop the guilt, though. Irrational and stupid, I know. Seems to be a usual thing for me, being irrational and stupid.
I'm okay. I'm always okay. Heh.
Your soul glowed, August. See you later, kid. I hate goodbyes.
Some people say they want to just forget things. They want to just forget anything bad has ever happened. Even if I could, I wouldn't. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what happens to me personally, I want to always remember the people I've met during this time of my life. No matter how terrible the other memories I'm stuck with are, I want to remember. They deserve that much. They deserve so much more, but I'm just me. As ineffectual and unfortunate as ever.
"Someone" left the scarf I gave August on the doorstep of our hotel room this morning. The golden yellow of the yarn was dark and stained with his blood... It's soaking in the sink right now.
For once I almost can't say "If I'd only done this one thing, something differently..." Doesn't stop the guilt, though. Irrational and stupid, I know. Seems to be a usual thing for me, being irrational and stupid.
I'm okay. I'm always okay. Heh.
Your soul glowed, August. See you later, kid. I hate goodbyes.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Elaboration
I'm going to try not to be overly emotional. Meaning I will probably fail. But I'm going to at least attempt it for everyone who reads our blog so that they are properly informed of the situation.
Blake has been... well I think it's obvious from the previous posts. He's not been himself. He's very kind and loving and puts everyone else first and thinks about every action and consequence before doing anything. I know most of you are just taking my word for it, but he genuinely meant for good things to come for people. He's normally a very loving man. He does things that are unnecessarily kind and unfathomably sweet.
You know that we went to Barcelona on a three month leave once over our years together? Well, for our anniversary that just passed he had recreated our trip on the roof of Hope (may the building and all who fell with it rest in peace). He had wine and tapas and flamenco music and it was really a beautiful night. Of course my favorite part had been hiking up to Montserrat and Sant Miquel de Fai, but you can't really bring that part to a rooftop dinner can you? At least we had some height.
And that was the man that I loved very, very much.
...he fucked that up today.
It was early, we were all tired admittedly, but there are no excuses and he crossed a line. You know we were only discussing where to go next? We were just talking like normal and then Lissie interrupts him without thinking and all of a sudden there's a loud smack of a noise and Lissie's crying and covering her just barely recovering face and his fucking eyes were all wrong. He just wasn't him. The Blake I know could hardly harm a fly, and Lissie? Oh that's several steps beyond a fly.
The very first thing I did was pull her behind me and clarify very specifically that he had indeed crossed a goddamn line and he would not be travelling with us or even me whilst he was still behaving badly. And under no circumstances will I change that. No, while Blake is behaving irrationally and angrily and badly he will not be in Lissie's, and thereby my, company.
I don't think I've glared that hard since... well since Micheal, but before that since High School.
We left then. It was deceptively easy. Our things were already packed and we had everything in the truck. We just threw him his two bags and booked it. Drove for like 6 hours before we even stopped for the lady's room break. Food was take-out and unhealthy, I'm surprised we both managed to keep any food down considering things though.
I didn't even kiss him goodbye. I just walked out. I didn't know... I could do that.
I'm not going to lie, this stings, it stings a lot. Like when little angry bumblebees are buzzing about you because you're their flower and you won't yield any pollen, and then they're dropping dead around you because of all the teeny tiny angry pokes at your skin. It hurts like that. And hundreds of little bees leaving their venom inside of you makes you tired, drowsy, sick, nervous, wishing for the perfect antidote. I guess victims of angry bees are lucky that an antidote exists at all aren't they?
I, however, am not so lucky am I? It's okay. I'll survive. It's what I do after all.
I'm tired now.
'Oh god, now when's the time for me?
Oh, when will you see me through?
Oh god, mind is eating my heart out
Oh god, my heart is beating my mind out.
Oh god I can't believe in you
Just because I'm afraid you're true.'
-Ida Maria, "See Me Through"
Blake has been... well I think it's obvious from the previous posts. He's not been himself. He's very kind and loving and puts everyone else first and thinks about every action and consequence before doing anything. I know most of you are just taking my word for it, but he genuinely meant for good things to come for people. He's normally a very loving man. He does things that are unnecessarily kind and unfathomably sweet.
You know that we went to Barcelona on a three month leave once over our years together? Well, for our anniversary that just passed he had recreated our trip on the roof of Hope (may the building and all who fell with it rest in peace). He had wine and tapas and flamenco music and it was really a beautiful night. Of course my favorite part had been hiking up to Montserrat and Sant Miquel de Fai, but you can't really bring that part to a rooftop dinner can you? At least we had some height.
And that was the man that I loved very, very much.
...he fucked that up today.
It was early, we were all tired admittedly, but there are no excuses and he crossed a line. You know we were only discussing where to go next? We were just talking like normal and then Lissie interrupts him without thinking and all of a sudden there's a loud smack of a noise and Lissie's crying and covering her just barely recovering face and his fucking eyes were all wrong. He just wasn't him. The Blake I know could hardly harm a fly, and Lissie? Oh that's several steps beyond a fly.
The very first thing I did was pull her behind me and clarify very specifically that he had indeed crossed a goddamn line and he would not be travelling with us or even me whilst he was still behaving badly. And under no circumstances will I change that. No, while Blake is behaving irrationally and angrily and badly he will not be in Lissie's, and thereby my, company.
I don't think I've glared that hard since... well since Micheal, but before that since High School.
We left then. It was deceptively easy. Our things were already packed and we had everything in the truck. We just threw him his two bags and booked it. Drove for like 6 hours before we even stopped for the lady's room break. Food was take-out and unhealthy, I'm surprised we both managed to keep any food down considering things though.
I didn't even kiss him goodbye. I just walked out. I didn't know... I could do that.
I'm not going to lie, this stings, it stings a lot. Like when little angry bumblebees are buzzing about you because you're their flower and you won't yield any pollen, and then they're dropping dead around you because of all the teeny tiny angry pokes at your skin. It hurts like that. And hundreds of little bees leaving their venom inside of you makes you tired, drowsy, sick, nervous, wishing for the perfect antidote. I guess victims of angry bees are lucky that an antidote exists at all aren't they?
I, however, am not so lucky am I? It's okay. I'll survive. It's what I do after all.
I'm tired now.
'Oh god, now when's the time for me?
Oh, when will you see me through?
Oh god, mind is eating my heart out
Oh god, my heart is beating my mind out.
Oh god I can't believe in you
Just because I'm afraid you're true.'
-Ida Maria, "See Me Through"
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Someone Has Been Looking At Us
There was an envelope tucked into the door of the hotel room. Don't currently have a scanner so I'm transcribing it. Don't much care for what I'm reading here. And some of the document is blacked out, noted thusly: (----)
I think it's time we get to Elaine's.
Subject 058Marie? Awake? Last we checked that was not the case. Oh, did I mention this was done on a typewriter?
Subject 059
- Marie Sinclair
- Age of first encounter: 11 (2005) Documented. Vector unknown.
- Note: Diagnosed at age 16 with Type 2 diabetes. Blood sugar kept normalized mostly through diet modification.
- Family Relationships: Seemingly normal relationship with parents. Slight hero-worship of older brother.
- Status: Self harm/mutilation, signs of intense guilt over some unknown incident. Possibly blames herself for the fate of Subject 059. Paralyzed from the waist down and rendered comatose after a two-day disappearance (2011). Is presently awake as of (-----) and residing with her parents again.
Subject 104
- Jared Sinclair
- Age of first encounter: 17 (2005) Documented.
- Family Relationships: Distant from parents, seemingly over-protective of younger sister.
- Status: Disappeared, presumed dead at age 18 (2006) (-------------------------------------------------------------) Showed signs of acute paranoia and delusion prior to the events. Attended therapy sessions with one Dr. Hector Chavez.
Subject 162
- Elisa Jackson
- Age of first encounter: 23 (2011) Questionable. Presumed exposed by Subject 059 as of 2006, with quite some time before showing signs.
- Note: Shows signs of obstructive sleep apnea, and uses a C-PAP machine in order ot assist with said condition. (---------) Has been known to show signs of malnutrition.
- Family Relationships: Normal up until 2003-2004. Mother deceased (2008) Father at large, divorced (2003). Only child.
- Status: Emotionally unstable and shows a severe lack of self-worth and self-compassion at times. Shows signs of what may be a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, tied to events which are not common knowledge at this time, but part of which are believed to be tied to her father. Shows signs of severe social and generalized anxiety. Shows surprising levels of tenacity when spurred by the proper stimulus. Attended therapy sessions with one Dr. Hector Chavez.
Subject 163
- Tiana Harlow
- Note: Shows mild asthmatic symptoms, exacerbated by the "sickness" associated with the entity. Shows signs of (----------------------)
- Age of first encounter: 23 (2011) Exposed by Subject 104.
- Family Relationships: Very close to her mother; idol-worship of father. Only child.
- Status: Shows signs of a severe abandonment complex and issues with forming lasting attachments with people due to continued moving as a child, in addition to her fathers multiple tours with the Army. Subject 104 is apparently an anomaly in this regard. Further digging reveals a year and a half of therapy for depression after her father's death (2008) with one Dr. Lily Clement.
Need documentation on the parents of Subjects 058 and 059.
- Blake Faust
- Age of first encounter: 26 (2011) Exposed by Subject 104 by connection with Subject 162
- Family Relationships: Comes from a large family planted (mostly) in California. (----------------) Seems to remain fairly distant from them (possibly also a symptom of his hero complex, mentioned below). Potential siblings(?)
- Status: Has developed something of a hero complex due to his relationship with Subject 162. Further investigation needed.
I think it's time we get to Elaine's.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Black Dirt Will Stain Your Feet
It seems like everything's wrong in all the places we've been. I look back and I see fires and abandoned homes and homelessness and murders and random acts of violence. I not only see them, but I see that the rates have clearly... gone up. It makes one want to become an isolationist, because we're always infecting someone; we're always causing someone pain.
Maybe that's my problem; I look back at all. I see the change; I feel guilt. I don't feel it quite like Lis does, she's guilting constantly over Blake and I. I feel it for complete strangers.
Maybe this is the lesson Orpheus is meant to teach us. "Don't look back or you'll lose your most precious thing forever, instead of just for now." I've always been bad at learning that lesson. I can't help but blame myself. And I know I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't take it personally... but that woman... she was... right in front of me, and I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't do a thing but watch and then try to run, very inefficiently. How do I leave that in my past? How do I leave that woman's cry's for help... unanswered? In the back of my mind?
I've never been very good at putting myself first.
Maybe that's my problem; I look back at all. I see the change; I feel guilt. I don't feel it quite like Lis does, she's guilting constantly over Blake and I. I feel it for complete strangers.
Maybe this is the lesson Orpheus is meant to teach us. "Don't look back or you'll lose your most precious thing forever, instead of just for now." I've always been bad at learning that lesson. I can't help but blame myself. And I know I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't take it personally... but that woman... she was... right in front of me, and I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't do a thing but watch and then try to run, very inefficiently. How do I leave that in my past? How do I leave that woman's cry's for help... unanswered? In the back of my mind?
I've never been very good at putting myself first.
Monday, September 26, 2011
...Sorry. Again.
Note to self: Stop posting things directly after waking up and while meds are no longer in your system. It ends badly.
I...I'm doing better. I'm sorry for the post earlier. Really, terribly sorry. To explain a bit more, I was talking about my mother. As I've said before, she died in a car wreck on the way home from work. She was a nurse, however pointless that fact is. All the reports of her death and all of the police reports claimed it was a hit and run. They said a drunk driver hit her, ran her off the road, she was torn from the car when it flipped and sustained severe internal injuries. I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
I dreamed again last night. I dreamed that I was watching my mother at work, a child had come in with a burn on his torso in the shape of an elongated hand that trailed all the way up to his neck. A symbol carved into his chest. She made calls, did everything she could for the kid.
I wasn't there, but I was there. The crying parents, the empty look in the child's eyes. Broken. She saw it, too. She was nervous. She didn't know. She didn't see why she was nervous, but she knew it was wrong.
Then we were in the car. Driving, heading home. She was singing along with the radio, as always, keeping an eye out for deer. And then I heard it. Static. The sound warping and tearing and the world denying this presence that was there. A figure in the road. Why is it always in the road? She tried to stop. She didn't know what she was seeing. I hope.
And suddenly, there were black tendrils cutting through the windshield like it was water breaking it oh so easily, tearing her from the still-running car, and shoving it aside and off of the road like some kind of toy. The screaming. She was screaming, why didn't anyone see or hear? You'd think, you'd think. you'd think... I saw. The world was warping.
...It's funny in a morbid way. They said there were very few external injuries. There should have been. So much blood slickign the pavement. There should have been more visible injuries.
She had done nothing but try to help a child. She had done nothing to deserve this. She saved me from my own father. She saved me from myself.
Maybe if I say this was just a dream enough times, I'll actually believe it. Maybe I'll stop puking and maybe I'll stop seeing her stricken, panicked face every time I close my eyes. Maybes are fun things, huh?
Tia and Blake have barely left my side since earlier...
The world is getting weirder. Darker every single day. Things are spinning around faster and faster, and threatening to go completely awry. Falcons and falconers. The center cannot hold.
It's spreading.
I...I'm doing better. I'm sorry for the post earlier. Really, terribly sorry. To explain a bit more, I was talking about my mother. As I've said before, she died in a car wreck on the way home from work. She was a nurse, however pointless that fact is. All the reports of her death and all of the police reports claimed it was a hit and run. They said a drunk driver hit her, ran her off the road, she was torn from the car when it flipped and sustained severe internal injuries. I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
I dreamed again last night. I dreamed that I was watching my mother at work, a child had come in with a burn on his torso in the shape of an elongated hand that trailed all the way up to his neck. A symbol carved into his chest. She made calls, did everything she could for the kid.
I wasn't there, but I was there. The crying parents, the empty look in the child's eyes. Broken. She saw it, too. She was nervous. She didn't know. She didn't see why she was nervous, but she knew it was wrong.
Then we were in the car. Driving, heading home. She was singing along with the radio, as always, keeping an eye out for deer. And then I heard it. Static. The sound warping and tearing and the world denying this presence that was there. A figure in the road. Why is it always in the road? She tried to stop. She didn't know what she was seeing. I hope.
And suddenly, there were black tendrils cutting through the windshield like it was water breaking it oh so easily, tearing her from the still-running car, and shoving it aside and off of the road like some kind of toy. The screaming. She was screaming, why didn't anyone see or hear? You'd think, you'd think. you'd think... I saw. The world was warping.
...It's funny in a morbid way. They said there were very few external injuries. There should have been. So much blood slickign the pavement. There should have been more visible injuries.
She had done nothing but try to help a child. She had done nothing to deserve this. She saved me from my own father. She saved me from myself.
Maybe if I say this was just a dream enough times, I'll actually believe it. Maybe I'll stop puking and maybe I'll stop seeing her stricken, panicked face every time I close my eyes. Maybes are fun things, huh?
Tia and Blake have barely left my side since earlier...
The world is getting weirder. Darker every single day. Things are spinning around faster and faster, and threatening to go completely awry. Falcons and falconers. The center cannot hold.
It's spreading.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
So... I can't say I entirely agree with all the decisions being made here, but I'm going to trust Elisa in this. She does seem to be the more experienced one in this... area. Whatever this area is. Supernatural, something weird and possibly deadly, or hallucinations. I can't... really say.
But my emotional breakdown is over. For now. And I have to say, I'm ready to not let my emotions run the show again. Patch cuddled me while I was in that emotional space. Thank gods for puppies and lovers. I don't know what I'd do without them.
So Blake and I packed what little we had packed up. So we can be ready to go, whenever Lis gives the send off. I suppose I can understand why running is the logical choice, judging by Elisa's research and if what we're dealing with is equivalent to her research. And I'm all too eager to get out of the house surrounded by forest anyway. It's been constant nightmares about that forest whenever I manage sleep. Don't know where we'll go, but away is the best solution any of us can seem to come up with.
But my emotional breakdown is over. For now. And I have to say, I'm ready to not let my emotions run the show again. Patch cuddled me while I was in that emotional space. Thank gods for puppies and lovers. I don't know what I'd do without them.
So Blake and I packed what little we had packed up. So we can be ready to go, whenever Lis gives the send off. I suppose I can understand why running is the logical choice, judging by Elisa's research and if what we're dealing with is equivalent to her research. And I'm all too eager to get out of the house surrounded by forest anyway. It's been constant nightmares about that forest whenever I manage sleep. Don't know where we'll go, but away is the best solution any of us can seem to come up with.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The hell?
Okay, someone sent me a link to this other blog. Why? Why would you do this, oh anonymous person? This is not for me. It isn't... I'm just doing some research for Marie on some old pieces of art. Trying to be moral support to these kids is not my responsibility... You're probably the same sicko who did that drawing I found. It's not real.
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