Things... All These Things...

Marie- Deceased. Unknown circumstances. Last seen in the company of a man who goes by the alias "Shepherd". "Shepherd" denies involvement in her death. Called it "a waste". Later notes revealed her family to be involved in some form of conspiracy. None of the relevant people are alive now, other than Jared. Sacrifice, Bitter Fruit, Poison Thorn

Blake- Deceased. Shot with a .38, hollowpoint. Multiple shots to the stomach and chest. Last in the company of Tia. Had developed paranoia and delusions that he was the only one capable of keeping her safe. "Safe", in this case meant holding her captive in a basement. Body missing. Taken by the Tall One. Lover, Twisted Heart, Betrayer

Tia- Missing. Presumed Deceased. Last seen in the company of Lis. Supporting her as they got us away from one of the anomalies that has trapped those who have been documenting events on this blog in previous accounts. Had cut herself off from all but this small group. Grew more and more protective of Lis and the rest of us over the last few months, but especially Lis. After the abduction a month ago, as well as other incidents, she barely let her out of her sight. The tendrils were encroaching. Champion, Sparrow, Protector, Mother

Lis- Missing. Presumed Deceased. Last seen in the company of Tia. Mostly unconscious, and emanating a "light" to the way out of the anomalous location. Possible hallucination due to the nature of said location. She and Tia sacrificed themselves to get us out. Had been suffering increased amounts of weakness due to physical wasting, despite preventative efforts. Also had started to suffer from an increase in her "synesthesia" in ways that fall outside of the definition of such, after the incident with the sensory deprivation tank a month ago. Bloodstained Handmaiden, Heroine, Dreamer, Hummingbird, Delphi

Jared- Living. Injured. Whereabouts unknown beyond a note saying he'd "keep in touch" and that "there's always a light, she showed us that. Bloodstained or not. What she did was a final 'fuck you' to those who would have used her and used Tia against her. Especially after all that's happened over the last few months. They'll be watching you still, remember that, kid. I know you're not going to want me around after this. You're not the type. It was the girls who were keeping that from being an issue. You can take care of yourself. Even if it means lying low, that's probably a better option than my modus operandi. Take care of yourself, okay? For them, if not for you." Toppled Knight, Rusted Armor, Hidden Face

Kailin- Living. Increasingly cynical. The desire to be alone and disconnect grows stronger. For now, it may be the best to go alone against the Tall One. Raven, Butterfly, Changeling

...I don't know what to do anymore. I don't belong here anymore. It's getting colder. It's time to move on. No more mum's and no more lecherous flirts. This internet thing is too risky, too hard. And I'm thinking bonding is just the thing I shouldn't do anymore.

Lis. Tia. They were too good for these things. I'm the sort of scum that gets it. Alone is better.

Breaking

Can't deal with this right now. My brain is fracturing. Crumbling in places. Shore up the walls and keep moving. Have to stay strong for Tia and Kailin... Ha. Strong. Right. Bullshit. I've never been the strong one. I've just been the one who's good at lying to herself.

Too much input, not enough output. Not enough output. Not enough output.

Day by day I'm here behind you
First I seek you, then I find you
Deep into the earth I grind you

Time stands still here, the air is stagnant, and things are twisting. Tia's mobile, at least. I don't care, as soon as we get out of this, we're getting her discharged.People say that hope is a fruitless emotion. They insinuate that we should simply roll over, expose our throats and stomachs and wait for the moment to come, and hope it's quick. That or allow ourselvesto be twisted and molded, made playthings of what is supposedly fate. Some have no options, but somewhere along the line, there were Choices.

There's a vulture on my shoulder
And he's telling me to give in
Always hissing right in my ear
Like it's coming from my own head
It's got me mixed up
Trying not to give up
Tell me there's a way to get out of here
Fixed at zero

There's someone in here other than us.... I'm not sure who, but I've seen them. All the more reason to find a way out. It's odd, walking along the halls and looking for weak spots.

Sometimes we come across tabelaux featuring people we've met so far. Friends. Loves. Names. Faces. Twisted and broken in ways I refuse to describe. I respect them too much to do so. Even if these are just shadows. That fact might even make it worse.

I could have done more. Somehow. Useless, pointless, worthless, ineffectual little bitch. We will lose everything and gain nothing. This is but one branch on the tree.

No.

... Tia's not going to be happy when she sees me saying things like that about myself. I just... It would be so easy to give in to the part of myself that says those things. To quit caring. To quit hurting. To quit loving. To be cold. To be empty. It sounds so tempting. Perhaps that's better than some of the other options.

I told someone once that I didn't want to take the easy path, though. He told me he was "something like proud" of me for that. Heh. I've spoken with others about such thoughts. Heaven forbid I go back on such a thing now.

The dominoes topple one by one. So few are left standing. Who will choose to help keep them standing?  I wish. I wish I could do more. People hurting, preying on themselves and others. One side or another, it doesn't matter. Things will spiral away from the best-laid plans of all. The high and mighty, who believe themselves above such things, will topple just as the smallest of us has. No matter if they serve or do not.  Humbleness is a virtue that would be well-recieved on the part of all.

Too bad the vast majority seem to prefer pride and vainglory.

I'm no saint. I'm no leader. I'm just an artist and a recluse. I will do what I can, though. I have people who rely on me. That's something. Right now, that's everything. A beacon, a path, a shining blade to cut through the shadows. I wish it were so simple.

Found it.

Just Under the Weather...

Right. Just a little less then pretty. Of course. Everything's recoverable. We can make it through this shit. Of course we can. We always do. Nothing's really wrong so long as we don't acknowledge that anything's really wrong.

...The mums' are the worst understaters of the goddamn century. Everyone should know that. If you were unaware, please make yourself aware now.

I knew we were too quiet. I knew that It was closing in. That thing. That thing that brings down both the flood and the flame. It's been watching too long. Too long. And they were being too happy, thinking about the baby and names for Her. Because now we know. We know it's a she.

Cecelia. That's the name I'm voting for.

...I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm trying to let the mums' positive attitude rub off on me. I'm trying to learn new tricks. I'm not even close to old yet.

But it's not working.

We have to get out of this hospital. Tia's stuck. The doctors won't let her leave. There are complications. We're stuck hoping they'll work themselves out. And Tia's having fits.

She sees It. I see It. Lis feels It. It's everywhere. We have to go. Go before It takes something precious. I need a friend. But I haven't got a friend in the world I could call on.

Uhm... Right.

Tia's not doing so well, and it's late enough that we haven't been able to find a clinic open nearby. We're going to the ER at the nearest hospital to get some things checked on. Everything should be fine. This is going to be hell on our funds, but it's worth it to try and keep everyone healthy. Right? Right. We'll manage. Definitely.

... Stupid birthday. Stupid shadows. Go away. Go away. Go away.




This is my fault.
I... We'll be fine.

Words, Words, Words...

Words are fucking hard sometimes.

I broke him. I feel like... maybe, maybe, maybe there was something I could have done to stop this from happening. Ages and ages and eras and eras back. Responsible. I was cold and cruel and mean and I couldn't have just given him a little more. Just a little more maybe. Maybe then he'd be okay. Well and alive and okay.

I can dream. Dreams are silly though.

There's this ache... it comes up between the moments where Lissie is holding me together and Shaun plays some comfort song to keep me from hiding myself entirely. It's guilt. I know the thing for what it is. And it is guilt. It's nauseating. It never goes away. And I think I deserve it.

Between the moments where Lis has her hand on mine to remind me that I am not alone and I am no longer bound and the moments where Shaun gives his sage-words of true comfort and sympathy... I retreat. Back to that moment. Could I have changed it? If I had been less petrified and thrown and betrayed and hurt... if I could've gotten a handle on my emotions, could all this damn ache have been avoided? I'm normally better than that. I keep my composure. I hate weapons.

Seems terribly selfish. My primary motiive. Make my own aching stop. I've never been to great at giving. Or getting. Where does that even put me on the social scale of givers and getters? Puts me in the 'I don't like people, not really at all, leave me alone because it's just easier that way' category. Where does that even fit into the spectrum? It doesn't. It's an outlier.

Ah yes. There I am. An outlier. A product of my own making. A societal freak of nature. Unwilling to receive or give trust.

I am fighting my own nature. Moment by moment I am fighting it. I want to go back, years and years back when it was so, so, so, so terribly much easier. Back, way back... to right about 8 years old. When I could trust and it was easy. When mom would tell me "Dad will be home in 136 more days," and I believed her. I believed her because she was my mother and I trusted her and trust was easy and not impossible. I believed her when she told me her Tiana was the sweetest, most beautiful, kind and caring little girl she had ever met. I believed her because she was my mother and these things were still true.

I was kind.
I was sweet.
I was caring.
Beauty was inside and out.

I have learned bad habits as I've grown up. I've grown out of childhood niavety, but I wish I hadn't. I wish I was still beautifully unmarred by the coldness of the world and the reality of the situation and the cynicism. So much cynicism. I wish that I could be childlike in my worldview, but adult enough to know the value of that worldview. Unfortunately I am only the latter. I drift in and out. Between hoping and wishing there's still that ache. And I know the world is not the place my childlike perception would have had it.

I am not 8 years old and I am not blessed with a kind, caring, trusting heart. And I am here. He's not. Won't be. Ever.

I'd never killed anyone before. And I trusted him. Myself. Us. So well.

My nature says retreat further Tia. Reatreat and shut them all off. Just keep them out. It will be safer for them. Safer for you. Because you don't like people and what could they possibly like about you? People are changeable, malleable, untrustworthy things Tia: reject them all.

I can't do that though. That's not fair. Not to Lissie nor Shaun nor the comforts they provide me. They're not people I tell my nature. I don't have to like or trust people, but these two are not people. They are worthy of my trust. They are not people, my cruel nature, they are my friends. I won't retreat. Not from them. They deserve better, so I will give them better.

Looking

Haven't found Tia or Blake yet. We're going to keep looking. She's not dead.
I'd know.
Shadows in my eyes and tired, but I'm steadier. I suppose I should just start expecting fun days to go wrong. We'll find them. As to my last post, am I not allowed to be angry? As always, I regret things I say. I'll deal.

Merry Merry merry

Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

He took her. He kidnapped Tia and stole my truck, stranding me and Shaun at the hotel. In the snow.  No. Nononono. 
Music. Breathe.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.

See, the thing is, Blake, sweetie, you want to protect her? You want to steal her away and keep her locked up to keep her safe because you love her? It doesn't work that way, buddy-boy, if it's against her will. You are not the dashing prince in this story, sweeping back in after going missing, to save the princess. You are, if anything, the witch keeping her in a tower. You made a mistake, turning her into the damsel in your head. But you know what? You want to play Ladderlocks, that's fine. Let's play pretend. Just keep in mind what happens to the prince, my dear. And I don't think her tears will heal you in this story. You've got worse things to worry about than anything else that might be coming out of the dark after you... If things haven't gone a certain way before I even get there. I'll probably regret saying this within ten or fifteen minutes of posting it anyway. I regret lots of things. Heh. I don't want you dead, don't worry. I just want you incapacitated. I want you incapacitated a lot. This is not something you do to someone you claim to love. This is not something you do to my best friend.

For life is quite absurd
and death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.

She shouldn't have to make this choice. You have no right. Neither of you have any right to do this to her. Why? Why them? Why anyone? How much do people have to hurt and suffer? Shepherd, you're a dead man. No matter how long it takes, even if I have to go down, too. The second you touched them, you were dead. This is not a game, and even if it were, you are not the one controlling the pieces, sweetie. You never have been. You like to play pretend, though. That much, I've seen. You like to pretend that you're in control and manipulating things yourself. You make me laugh. Oh look, bravado. This should be amusing. Bit late for that though, isn't it? No. No, because you want me to want you dead. You want me to want to hurt you. I... No. Nothing doing. I

Sing for the bartender, sing for the janitor, sing
Sing for the cameras, sing for the animals, sing
Sing for the children shooting the children, sing
Sing for the teachers who told you that you couldn't sing
Just sing

focus
Focus
FOCUS
Need to do something. Breathing is a good start.
...Have a very Merry Christmas, everyone. I know mine will be memorable.

watching me. watching me. watching me.

In Memoriam. Because.

I had planned to do a post yesterday, but I am, for once, in no place to mourn the loss of people I never had the fortune or misfortune to meet. There is nothing in that area for me to say that has not already been said. May they rest in as much peace as they can manage, if that is at all possible.

Loss is a terrible thing, honestly. To lose someone you care for, someone you feel responsible for is no better. Shep offered to send me pictures of the state of the Sinclair house. I feel sure he knew I don't trust him as far I I can throw him. Which, given the differences in our height and weight and the fact that I'm not exactly... Yeah, I need to stop go off on a tangent.

Marie Jenette Sinclair. The vast majority of her posts on this blog have been unpleasant at the very least, and needlessly cryptic at times. Except for perhaps the very end there, she was not the girl I had promised to keep an eye on and protect. This much became obvious in the emails she continued to send me after some time. They were hurtful and bitter, barbed and intended to make me hurt, but it was no less than I deserved, yeah? I left her.

Do I feel guilt over her death? Yes. Despite everything, Marie was my responsibility. Maybe if, as soon as it had become obvious that she was awake, we had gone back to Alabama, this could've been prevented. I could have done something, as unlikely as it sounds for someone as ineffectual as myself.

Instead, she's dead, and her parents were slaughtered like so much cattle. I should've been there, even if it meant that I would've died as well or instead.

Marie was not a bad person. She never was. She was hurting and twisted by something outside of herself. There was an inherent frustration to her posts and emails. Whoever did this killed not someone who could even attempt to fight back. They killed a diabetic, paralyzed, weakened, brain-damaged, and mentally-altered teenager who was defenseless, and by all accounts, given into that state fairly willingly by her parents. That is the act of  a coward. Especially if Shep is right and it wasn't Slim Jim.

I'm going to leave this here, but I had to get this out. People are going to contradict me, of course, but this, on some level, is my fault. The least I can do is remember the good parts of her.

Off. Everything's Off.

I'm not feeling right. Still. I pushed the girls to start moving anyway. I'm going to survive. Whatever. My head aches all the time but we've been stationary way too long and maybe the place is contributing to the way everything's grating on my nerves lately. I'm antsy. I know it. It's off. I'm trying not to be.


Every little thing though. Just rubs me the wrong way. I'm going to pull myself together.


If it can be described in medical terms, it's like I've developed acute paranoia in the past week and a half and I'm trying to keep it where I was before. But you know, this recent development keeps me from keeping my calm.


And, you know, seeing things doesn't exactly help. I don't think I need to clarify on the sort of things, do I?


Apparently I'm paranoid schizophrenic now. Delusional, hallucinating, paranoid, argumentative, angry, inappropriate emotional responses. Is this the part where I just go 'eh, it happens'?


No, no this is the part where I pull myself back together. Or try to.


Guess we'll see.

Silence is the Loudest Noise

Everything is going to hell. We all know that. We've seen the blogs. Elaine's. Shaun's. Lucas and Joel's. Others. Some of those people, you know, don't even have lives anymore. Which, to say the least, is heavy. It's a lot to take in since I got back. And since Lissie got back. I was never as close to any of these people as she was... but she's very close to them.

So, you see, she's having a worse time of it than I am. I... understand. I feel bad, but... she's... Lissie's being Lissie. And panicking. And Tia's having the temper her. And make her take her meds.

"Quit trying to wallow in your pain. Just quit it. Everyone's lives are shit right now Lissie. Fine. I know... I know it hurts, but you need to survive. You need to do that for those people. And not taking your pain meds when you're in pain? Is not fucking surviving." And then Lissie mumbles excuses and then Tia insists further and Lissie makes faces.

She took them eventually.

I have to hear these interactions between this woman I love and her irrational, panicked best friend and I worry about the stress levels of these people and it's all wrong. And it's fucking loud. It's quiet now, in the literal sense of the word, but it's so fucking loud and I'm so tired and I can't...

I want to protect, I want to be there for her, but it's hard when she puts herself in this place where she sacrifices her own semblance of sanity for someone else. But that's what I love about her, you know? She's just that sort of person. She'll do that for certain people, take herself to the brink just to keep them from it.

Certain people.

I need more rest. I'm not all right yet. I'm trying. But I'm still vomiting and cold and tired and raw. It's hard to sleep at all. I'd like a little peace.

Sometimes I wonder if we'd never... but then again no. That's Tia. And I would've left her if I didn't love her for being her long ago. I'm sticking it out. I'm... We're. We're going to be just fine, isn't that right?

Lovely

Been puking all night, off and on. A lot of it's blood from my nose.  Wonderful. As I read more of what we've missed in the last week, I'm making myself sick again. Can't help anyone. Shep was right about that. I'm just a useless, pointless, worthless brat of a woman, who only makes matters worse. This is not self-pity. This is a statement of fact.Tia's not going to like seeing that when she wakes up. Oopsie.

We're staying in the truck tonight, and I can't really complain. At least that means We can get away from the smell of sick of need be. Things... I hate being on pain meds. I keep seeing things on the edge of my eyes. And unlike the lovely descriptions said by some, it's not Him. Or not just. Have to ignore it. Focus.

Blake's not dead. This is not me in denial. This is not me saying "if I say it enough times, maybe I'll believe it." He's not dead. But I can't. I can't let this be like Marie. I can't. I've never claimed to be able to help anyone, only claimed a want to do so. I know it's probably a pointless endeavor.

I refuse to stop caring, though. No matter what is tossed at me or us right now, I refuse.

twisting and turning and falling and burning. have to make things right. my fault.

We're All Adults Here... Let's Chat.

Trapped. Knees, ankles, arms. Curiously enough, not hands. Crude. Free now. Is it mad to pray for better... hallucinations? Now that I see this place for what it is, it's crude. Like a high schooler stitching together plagarized bits of literature for a report. You barely know what you're doing with this whole thing, do you? You're a child gluing together bits of colored paper in preschool and hoping it makes a picture.

Funny, that. I'm not sure how I can tell, anyway. I see the seams of your stolen bits or "reality" though.
Shepherd, was it? It hurts oh god, it hurts, but now I'm laughing. It's a high, manic sound, and I can barely stop it, even to breathe. You're going to want to hurt me more for that fact, aren't you? You don't strike me as the kind that likes to be laughed at, Shep. Too bad. I rather like laughing, and even if it hurts, I don't see myself stopping for a while.

I'm going to find them, and we're going to get out of this. Maybe I'm a mouse, maybe I'm useless, but I'm learning. And almost nothing you can do will stop that. For better or worse... With the way things are going, I feel sure worse on one level or another. Well, I can think of a few thngs, but no matter.
I'm the weak one, right? I'm the weak one. Go for the weak link. Heh.

Come on, then. Let's talk.

I've been seeing that thing off and on a few times while we've... I've been here. At the moment, I will not dignify it with a name or even a gender. I am tired. I am tired and it is wrong. Forever watching. Wearing things down. Even here, things warp around it, tearing and.... I hope Tia and Blake are okay. At the moment, if they found some way out and left me, I wouldn't hold it against them. But when would I ever?

...Tia won't leave without me, though. Even when maybe she should.

No. Not going to think that way. Not going to think that way. Shep, sweetie, let's have a chat.

Isolophobia

I... am not going to panic. I am not going to panic.


I am not going let my abandonment issues and fears of being alone cause any accelerated heart palpitations, trembles, dizziness, nausea, or anything else like that. Lissie's here. And I will be rational.


Blake... is not home right now. This would not... normally be an issue. We encourage each other to go out, take time to ourselves, hang out with people not each other. Long term relationships get tiresome and sometimes we need different people or just ourselves. That's fine. It's encouraged. It's well needed.


The problem? Blake left Hope 16.5 hours ago. No one else in the house has seen him since. Now, that's fine, considering he told me he'd be going out. He said he was going to go into town and get away from the laptop for a bit. Maybe hit a cafe or something. I was glad he was getting out. I was happy to hear he'd be breaking his routine. He said he'd pick me up some gardening essentials from the shop on his way back to Hope.


I know why he went out. In two weeks it's our 3 year anniversary. I know why he didn't want me to come with him. It's not that it wasn't obvious. It was. But he plays the excuse game well, and I play along.


But he said he'd be home in time for dinner.


He's not.


You know how often Blake misses dinner? As often as I miss my morning work out. It happens about once a month. He missed breakfast too. Bed's untouched. He's just not home.


I'm worried. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared sick. And I want him back. So I'm going to hang out with Lis, keep my panic and trust issues at bay, and I'll see him when he gets back. Because he'll be back. It's still early, and he'll be back. There's no other option. That's all there is to it.

Roll on, highway

I see Blake started to write up a post on what Tia saw yesterday, but he's busy comforting her again now that we've stopped again. She's honestly not saying much about it, and neither of us is pushing her. Sometimes you just... know, though. Does that make sense? Seeing something like that as a nearly tangible thing. Maybe it's just another dream.

The same jerk who's been dogging us since Alabama, watching, waiting, trying to push buttons. The same one from before. Shot him in the face with the flare gun. Stabbed in the face with the crochet hook. Not sure how I managed that. On to more important things, though.

He decided to start screwing with the hotel guests, apparently. Too much of a coward or at least too much of an ass to come at us directly. Not that I'll complain about that on some levels. You know, other than pulling more people who have no tie to this in to die. Tia saw him in the parking lot with a young woman, the skin on her her arms sliced up into little symbols, her hair hacked off to expose her scalp, dragging her away... Tia cut off there, but I know. I know what she saw. I see it. How?

Another town, another hotel. So tired of this... Need to give the lovebirds some time soon. Even if it's stupid. Someone needs to have something good right now. When it rains, it pours, and cliche little  things like that. I can't do much of anything for anyone else at the moment other than them... I can only hope it counts for something in the long run.

Black Dirt Will Stain Your Feet

It seems like everything's wrong in all the places we've been. I look back and I see fires and abandoned homes and homelessness and murders and random acts of violence. I not only see them, but I see that the rates have clearly... gone up. It makes one want to become an isolationist, because we're always infecting someone; we're always causing someone pain.


Maybe that's my problem; I look back at all. I see the change; I feel guilt. I don't feel it quite like Lis does, she's guilting constantly over Blake and I. I feel it for complete strangers.


Maybe this is the lesson Orpheus is meant to teach us. "Don't look back or you'll lose your most precious thing forever, instead of just for now." I've always been bad at learning that lesson. I can't help but blame myself. And I know I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't take it personally... but that woman... she was... right in front of me, and I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't do a thing but watch and then try to run, very inefficiently. How do I leave that in my past? How do I leave that woman's cry's for help... unanswered? In the back of my mind?


I've never been very good at putting myself first.

//
Tried not to fall asleep again... failed...
////
Woke up someplace not where I started... everything's bright and dark and harsh and burning all at the same time. Red on my hands. Can't breath.
//////////
Thirsty... so thirsty.
///
Don't want to sleep again. Don't know where I'll end up. Don't want to be here either...
/////

Still Positively Fucked

I ran out of book to read. It was all well and distracting enough. But now it's done. I'll have to nab one from  somewhere else... if I ever get out of this weirdness.


I slept for 20 hours today. According to the hotel clock. The hotel and my laptop seem to be running on slightly different patterns of time. Not that if I go by my notebook it's any better. According to my notebook I slept 18 hours. I have no idea what I dreamed of. I do know I was parched when I woke up and the sheets were positively drenched with sweat when I woke up.


I've got to do something. Just sitting and waiting is not making the situation any better. Neither is practically starving myself because I hardly trust any food in the hotel. As in I don't. I know this isn't fairyland (or maybe it is, True Fey are vicious from the tales) or silliness like that, but they teach you valuable lessons in old fairy tales. Don't eat the food with wicked witch provides. Or you get fat and lazy and end up in someone else's oven.


So I've been living on breakfast bars and a small supply of apples I had kept with me. And I'm starting to get hungry. And the protein in my diet is utterly minimal.


I have to leave and I'm getting anxious. It feels like something's trying to crawl into my head. I don't trust the outside though. Conundrum. Every day I look out of the hotel window and see the same thick fog. We're on the 3rd story and it's all the way up my window. It doesn't bode well.


I've contemplated burning the whole place down. I don't trust that either. What if Lis and Blake are still here I just can't see them? But it is... something. I've been wondering if maybe I'm stuck in my own head and I have to break the illusion to break free. Burning would maybe do that. Maybe. I don't know.


Before I resort to that sort of drastic something I'm going exploring. Maybe the hotel will have something that I can work with. I'm taking all my stuff with me. I only had a hiking backpack and my notebook carrier with my in the hotel room anyway. I can only hope the internet will work elsewhere so I can let you all know if I'm still alive in a day.


I don't think whatever has me here will let me back in the room once I leave it. Wish me luck?

So... I can't say I entirely agree with all the decisions being made here, but I'm going to trust Elisa in this. She does seem to be the more experienced one in this... area. Whatever this area is. Supernatural, something weird and possibly deadly, or hallucinations. I can't... really say.


But my emotional breakdown is over. For now. And I have to say, I'm ready to not let my emotions run the show again. Patch cuddled me while I was in that emotional space. Thank gods for puppies and lovers. I don't know what I'd do without them.


So Blake and I packed what little we had packed up. So we can be ready to go, whenever Lis gives the send off. I suppose I can understand why running is the logical choice, judging by Elisa's research and if what we're dealing with is equivalent to her research. And I'm all too eager to get out of the house surrounded by forest anyway. It's been constant nightmares about that forest whenever I manage sleep. Don't know where we'll go, but away is the best solution any of us can seem to come up with.

Heh

At this rate, Doc Chavez might suggest I get sent away again. I really hope not, even though it was partially my own choice the first time. It won't help matters. Making plans. Someone's been in the house other than Marie while I was gone. She says she didn't see anyone, but there's a few bits of evidence that something's even less right than usual.

No new injuries or anything, but... Ugh. Sick as a dog. As unfortunate as that phrasing is to me. I nearly got... mugged coming out of work today. I got to the car before they got to me, though. I think I saw Crispy. I'm going to call in sick to the store tomorrow.

Some wishful thinking.

"To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another." ~Katherine Paterson, Jacob Have I Loved

I need help.