Off. Everything's Off.

I'm not feeling right. Still. I pushed the girls to start moving anyway. I'm going to survive. Whatever. My head aches all the time but we've been stationary way too long and maybe the place is contributing to the way everything's grating on my nerves lately. I'm antsy. I know it. It's off. I'm trying not to be.


Every little thing though. Just rubs me the wrong way. I'm going to pull myself together.


If it can be described in medical terms, it's like I've developed acute paranoia in the past week and a half and I'm trying to keep it where I was before. But you know, this recent development keeps me from keeping my calm.


And, you know, seeing things doesn't exactly help. I don't think I need to clarify on the sort of things, do I?


Apparently I'm paranoid schizophrenic now. Delusional, hallucinating, paranoid, argumentative, angry, inappropriate emotional responses. Is this the part where I just go 'eh, it happens'?


No, no this is the part where I pull myself back together. Or try to.


Guess we'll see.

Silence is the Loudest Noise

Everything is going to hell. We all know that. We've seen the blogs. Elaine's. Shaun's. Lucas and Joel's. Others. Some of those people, you know, don't even have lives anymore. Which, to say the least, is heavy. It's a lot to take in since I got back. And since Lissie got back. I was never as close to any of these people as she was... but she's very close to them.

So, you see, she's having a worse time of it than I am. I... understand. I feel bad, but... she's... Lissie's being Lissie. And panicking. And Tia's having the temper her. And make her take her meds.

"Quit trying to wallow in your pain. Just quit it. Everyone's lives are shit right now Lissie. Fine. I know... I know it hurts, but you need to survive. You need to do that for those people. And not taking your pain meds when you're in pain? Is not fucking surviving." And then Lissie mumbles excuses and then Tia insists further and Lissie makes faces.

She took them eventually.

I have to hear these interactions between this woman I love and her irrational, panicked best friend and I worry about the stress levels of these people and it's all wrong. And it's fucking loud. It's quiet now, in the literal sense of the word, but it's so fucking loud and I'm so tired and I can't...

I want to protect, I want to be there for her, but it's hard when she puts herself in this place where she sacrifices her own semblance of sanity for someone else. But that's what I love about her, you know? She's just that sort of person. She'll do that for certain people, take herself to the brink just to keep them from it.

Certain people.

I need more rest. I'm not all right yet. I'm trying. But I'm still vomiting and cold and tired and raw. It's hard to sleep at all. I'd like a little peace.

Sometimes I wonder if we'd never... but then again no. That's Tia. And I would've left her if I didn't love her for being her long ago. I'm sticking it out. I'm... We're. We're going to be just fine, isn't that right?

Where the Heart is

Home is where the heart is right? Guess I'm home again. I'm really, really, very tired. And feel like shit. Vomit again. Sleeping all the time.

Need time to recover.

Don't particularly feel like talking about what happened in the time between Lissie and Tia getting out and me getting left behind.

Not forgotten. Just out of reach.

Shepherd wandered away for a bit... managed to get free, wandered a bit myself. Guess Tia and Lissie had been looking for me, so they found me. And now I'm back.
Still feeling out of it.

Shaun, I was keeping it vague in the hopes that we'd be out of reach for a day, not for a week. I had been hoping he wouldn't find us. I was hoping for a good day. So much for hopes eh?

Currently feeling a little out of touch. I'll maybe give another update when I'm feeling up to it. I don't think we should be staying here longer as a result of my health.

We've got to get going. For the girls' sake.

For Tia's sake...

Roller Coasters

So Tia loves amusement parks right? She gets a thrill from roller coasters and she loves the park food and the little games where you can win things, plus the little souvenirs. She's got a really soft spot for those little key chains you can get with the little logos from each amusement park. She's got one from Disneyland and California Adventures and Magic Mountain and Universal Studios, and pretty much every other theme park in California too.

Not to mention all the coasters in Las Vegas she's quested to ride, and the trip we took out to Florida just for Legoland. And when we went to Paris? We were at Disneyland Paris before we made it to the Eiffel Tower. She's got a fondness for Amusement Parks. I think I've made my point.

Anyway. She needs to relax a little, and maybe Lissie'd be able to let go a little, so we're taking a break and popping into an amusement park tomorrow. Hopefully Tia'll come back with a new key chain to clip onto her collection and it'll be a nice day off. Not that days 'off' really exist, but a day without driving and relative happiness would be appreciated by all of the party, I'm sure.

To Conclude

A genius with electronics had arrived at Hope when I was looking through the Helikite, whose name I later found was Alex, one of Elaine's rescues. He's a real wiz though. Found a camera on the kite, and it would've taken me twice as much time to decode all that nonsense that was on it. Little thing tried to crash my built like a solid block of concrete laptop.

That was cute.

Not to worry though, we managed to figure out the files and see what all was captured. It was interesting to unlock and everything, but I really didn't care for what we found on it. And I don't think that needs much more clarification.

It's in Elaine's hands, and she's capable enough to take care of it. So we're going back to normal socializing and such here for a while.

Tia's invaded Lissie's for a bit, after Marie's post this morning she wasn't feeling so hot. I'm going back to working from home now and finishing this program I had on hold whilst I finished the camera project.

So that's pretty much it.

Oh, and tomorrow Tia and I have 3 years behind us. So there's something special I have planned. Should be fun.

Back

And I'm not feeling overly creative about titles right now. Mostly, I'm just tired.

I got to come back to Hope yesterday, and yes I was 'delivered' by the proper time. I have no idea why. I don't really remember all of what happened... And I've no idea why I was even held either. I really... there's not much to say about it.

There's this bruising on my back and Tia can't figure out what caused it, and we've discovered about 4 broken ribs which have only been aggravated by the vomiting I've been doing. My wrists are messed up. Tia thinks they're going to scar.

I remember zip ties being involved. And flashes of things. A concrete room somewhere, searing heat, the stench of sweat, a flash of clean-cut brown hair and a pair of glasses, a smooth voice that said things I don't remember. The things I recall are all disjointed. "You care - so silly - broken - won't you eat - damn fool - miss your Sparrow - Fine." Pain is the most prevalent memory. That's pretty much all I have. I don't know where I was or what he looked like or anything useful of the sort.

Maybe I shut down? Maybe that's why I got 'boring' for the Shepherd? I can't really tell you, to be honest.

What I do know is I'm back with Tia. And I'm able to sleep in a bed and eat properly - and that's even better when the food decides to actually stay down. I couldn't be more grateful. I'm going to take it easy for a while. Back to sleep with me.

Voicing Opinions

Micheal has come back to Hope. I've mixed feelings on the matter. Now, I didn't see him break, and I didn't see him go, and I didn't have to watch people defend themselves. Generally speaking, he seemed to be a nice enough guy.

In regards to Smash Bros? Rematches will have to be had.

However, Tia saw him breaking, hard. And she saw his potential to hurt people. Yes, he drugged Lis. But somehow, I think in his view of reality, he was protecting her. And maybe himself. I know that's not exactly the normal view of things. It's hard to say, I'm not in the guy's head. I don't think I'd want to be.

The thing about my chosen partner is Tia doesn't trust easy. She tries. She really does. But she just doesn't trust. It's not in her nature. People have left her, time and time again, and she doesn't want to see that happen to Elisa. Maybe that's why she tried so hard to keep contact? She didn't want to be like all the people who left and gave up on her before? All vague theories on their relationship, but from what I know of Tia, once someone leaves, it's hard for her to let them back in. And, admittedly, Micheal left. And she didn't get on with him shiningly anyway. She's not as good with people as she would seem, just a select few.

So, his return to Hope? Hasn't been exactly what she was blissfully looking forward to. I see that, but I also see all the old issues she has and we've had to work through in our own relationship.

Lissie and Tia reconciled earlier today, but Tia still worries. And she's overprotective. She wouldn't deny it. Especially of Lissie. But it's good to see them not... as awkward anyway.

Me? I'm going to keep an open mind. I can't see any other method of survival in this situation.

Homesick

It's almost unreal how normal life is right now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining.

There were video games with some of the other guys here, not to mention the dinner Tia made, which was awesome. She was singing today while she did things about the room. It's good to hear her sing again. Means she's content. She had a rough night of it last night though. Nightmares is my suspicion. She just couldn't settle right for sleep. Seems like it's settled now though. Which is more than a good thing.

Tia makes me think of home, and how I miss it. How I miss my family. How close I used to be to them. We used to have barbecues almost every other Saturday and there would be sports watching and video games and other such things. They were good times. Tia treats me right, asked me to bring home pork chops so I could have a taste of that home I miss today.

I'm not about to start regretting though. I'm still happy with Tia. I just wish we could visit home again, but that's a bad idea and everyone involved knows it. So we'll let baseball games go unwatched in the family environment and let them keep on thinking I'm on a happy road trip for this long while. Maybe when things calm down, but... that's unlikely to happen.

Someone Has Been Looking At Us

There was an envelope tucked into the door of the hotel room. Don't currently have a scanner so I'm transcribing it. Don't much care for what I'm reading here. And some of the document is blacked out, noted thusly: (----)

Subject 058

• Marie Sinclair
• Age of first encounter: 11 (2005) Documented. Vector unknown.
• Note: Diagnosed at age 16 with Type 2 diabetes. Blood sugar kept normalized mostly through diet modification.
• Family Relationships: Seemingly normal relationship with parents. Slight hero-worship of older brother.
• Status: Self harm/mutilation, signs of intense guilt over some unknown incident. Possibly blames herself for the fate of Subject 059. Paralyzed from the waist down and rendered comatose after a two-day disappearance (2011). Is presently awake as of (-----) and residing with her parents again.
  

Subject 059

• Jared Sinclair
• Age of first encounter: 17 (2005) Documented.
• Family Relationships: Distant from parents, seemingly over-protective of younger sister.
• Status: Disappeared, presumed dead at age 18 (2006) (-------------------------------------------------------------) Showed signs of acute paranoia and delusion prior to the events. Attended therapy sessions with one Dr. Hector Chavez.
  

Subject 104

• Elisa Jackson
• Age of first encounter: 23 (2011) Questionable. Presumed exposed by Subject 059 as of 2006, with quite some time before showing signs.
• Note: Shows signs of obstructive sleep apnea, and uses a C-PAP machine in order ot assist with said condition. (---------) Has been known to show signs of malnutrition.
• Family Relationships: Normal up until 2003-2004. Mother deceased (2008) Father at large, divorced (2003). Only child.
• Status: Emotionally unstable and shows a severe lack of self-worth and self-compassion at times. Shows signs of what may be a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, tied to events which are not common knowledge at this time, but part of which are believed to be tied to her father. Shows signs of severe social and generalized anxiety. Shows surprising levels of tenacity when spurred by the proper stimulus. Attended therapy sessions with one Dr. Hector Chavez.
  

Subject 162

• Tiana Harlow
• Note: Shows mild asthmatic symptoms, exacerbated by the "sickness" associated with the entity. Shows signs of (----------------------)
• Age of first encounter: 23 (2011) Exposed by Subject 104.
• Family Relationships: Very close to her mother; idol-worship of father. Only child.
• Status: Shows signs of a severe abandonment complex and issues with forming lasting attachments with people due to continued moving as a child, in addition to her fathers multiple tours with the Army. Subject 104 is apparently an anomaly in this regard. Further digging reveals a year and a half of therapy for depression after her father's death (2008) with one Dr. Lily Clement.
  

Subject 163

• Blake Faust
• Age of first encounter: 26 (2011) Exposed by Subject 104 by connection with Subject 162
• Family Relationships: Comes from a large family planted (mostly) in California. (----------------) Seems to remain fairly distant from them (possibly also a symptom of his hero complex, mentioned below). Potential siblings(?)
• Status: Has developed something of a hero complex due to his relationship with Subject 162. Further investigation needed.
  

Need documentation on the parents of Subjects 058 and 059.

Marie? Awake? Last we checked that was not the case. Oh, did I mention this was done on a typewriter?


I think it's time we get to Elaine's.

I did actually use a vehicle to my advantage against some hoodie-clad zombie-esque mofos in a parking lot who were getting a little too personal with the girls. I'd do it again too.

Nothing was stolen. But losses in groceries were taken. Who the fuck jumps people at a 2 pm grocery run on a Friday afternoon? Who does that shit? People with no sense of criminal sense, that's who. I'm mostly perturbed by the fact that they didn't have the sense to wait until after dark than anything else.

I suppose that comes from city living; people get jumped all the time, it happens. That doesn't bug me. That they did it in the middle of the day? Totally irksome.


Also, driving 100 mph for about 10 hours straight will give you cramps, but get you far, far away.

We had some blue honda on the same stretch of highway for the first 6 hours of driving behind us, or occassionally in front of us. Before I started this madhouse roadtrip, I would've thought nothing of it. After this crazy road trip? I'm suspicious. We were going 100+, who the fuck keeps with that speed? So I took a random exit, drove like mad through some city's streets and lost them near the hotel heavy area, and then navigated back to the highway. I haven't seen the car since. I did have good sense enough to have Tia take down it's plates. They were CA plates.

I'm not sure if the sign of home is comforting or not.

An Odd Couple of Days

Tia's still not feeling well after the incident in the hotel, not that I blame her, but I think it's mostly psychological at this point. She sleeps a lot. She's definitely a little bit more... clingy with us. Not that I mind. Not that Lis' minds. I'm just worried about her. I want her to be okay, I want us all to be okay.

She doesn't remember making that last blog post... I don't necessarily think she did. She doesn't exactly want to blog right now, or write at all, she just wants to sleep. I think she's a bit depressed, and maybe reliving some memories she'd rather not be. Of course, this is just all speculation on my part.
On a lighter(?) note Lis is being an odd rapid furious typer on her laptop again, which is good, because it's semi-back to normal. Even if she's still a little beat up. The typing's not about anything too pleasant, from what she tells me about Spence across the room, but at least she's back to her normalish self, from what I can surmise from our short time together. Yes Lis, I am maybe teasing you a small bit from over the internet. What can you do about it?

She's threatening me with pillow fights, Miss Reads Blog Posts Before I Can Even Finish Them. Oh, if only I were 15 again this might appeal more.

I think tomorrow I'm going to attempt to take the girls out and treat them to something relaxing. I don't know what, but something not alone and not in a forest and not in a hotel and not stressful. See, I can be nice and not utterly sarcastic sometimes.

Where to Even Begin?

I'm the guy Tia and Lis keep mentioning: the boyfriend, the nice guy, Blake. I guess introductions are a good place to start.

Lis won't stay asleep. Tia just went to sleep. She doesn't trust sleeping after being left alone for I don't know how many days. It was a lot to go through, I don't blame her really. Admittedly, I'm no better at the moment, but I did sleep some in the car.

We're a good distance away now. Not that it feels any safer. Still, it's something to get distance between us and that hotel. I am not leaving either of the girls alone again. It's just not going to happen.

So, I suppose it's me who gets to go over what happened after Lis found me. I don't actually remember much about my little corner or phase of existence or dimension or whatever you want to call it. I remember blood. A lot of it. On the walls and floors and me. It was just gorey and brutal. Most rooms didn't have any reason for the red everywhere, but where Lis found me, with the body, that was where I went into shock. I couldn't tell you how long I was standing there. I could tell you that my legs are still sore from standing and my wrists are still raw from how long I was wringing them.

After Lis snapped me free of my shock, something shifted and we left the mess behind and found ourselves in a pristine part of the hotel. Everything was symmetrical and clean and it was cold. Very, very cold. If it weren't for the pressed flowers framed in the hallways there wouldn't have been any color in the place at all.

Lis had to stop for a spell, so she made a blog post, and then we kept going. We checked a few rooms, but they were all empty and blank. Lis was smelling fire, but all I remember smelling was the flowers. We followed Lissie's nose, as she seems to be the one who can figure these places out for whatever reason, and it led us to Tia.

She was sort of in the check-in area, sort of not. It was more like a living room, with just a coffee table and a couch. The not-quite living room was uncomfortably warm, especially compared to the halls and rooms we'd gone through before finding Tia. Maybe that was due to the candles surrounding her. They were almost... ritualistically placed. They weren't standing on anything, and they didn't burn down or melt. They just were. They seem to match Tia's candle from before she passed out. I didn't notice that until later, and I didn't count them; it didn't matter when we entered the room anyway.

She was passed out on the floor between the couch and the table, I could tell she was breathing, but it didn't change the panic attack I almost had. It was terrifying to think that what happened to Marie could've started to happen to Tia. My Tia. She didn't wake up when I held her or called her. She didn't stir even a little when I touched her.

It wasn't until Lis started snuffing the candles out that Tia started stirring. Smart Lissie, always figuring out things that I wouldn't think of at all. I'm not... familiar with this sort of situation. When the last candle was extinguished Tia woke up, and the surroundings shattered. We were back in our hotel. Lis managed a raspy crack about Tia being sleeping beauty and then we checked out. Right fucking then. Didn't bother showering, just grabbed our things, checked out, and started driving.

We got ourselves a fair distance away and stopped for a decent meal, and by decent meal I mean Waffle House at 4 am. It was the best damn meal. I'm still not entirely comfortable with this situation, but this isn't really the sort of situation people get cozy in. We'll survive.

Now we're... where we are. Location released at Lis's discretion. Maybe we'll catch a break. I can be optimistic.