Voicing Opinions

Micheal has come back to Hope. I've mixed feelings on the matter. Now, I didn't see him break, and I didn't see him go, and I didn't have to watch people defend themselves. Generally speaking, he seemed to be a nice enough guy.

In regards to Smash Bros? Rematches will have to be had.

However, Tia saw him breaking, hard. And she saw his potential to hurt people. Yes, he drugged Lis. But somehow, I think in his view of reality, he was protecting her. And maybe himself. I know that's not exactly the normal view of things. It's hard to say, I'm not in the guy's head. I don't think I'd want to be.

The thing about my chosen partner is Tia doesn't trust easy. She tries. She really does. But she just doesn't trust. It's not in her nature. People have left her, time and time again, and she doesn't want to see that happen to Elisa. Maybe that's why she tried so hard to keep contact? She didn't want to be like all the people who left and gave up on her before? All vague theories on their relationship, but from what I know of Tia, once someone leaves, it's hard for her to let them back in. And, admittedly, Micheal left. And she didn't get on with him shiningly anyway. She's not as good with people as she would seem, just a select few.

So, his return to Hope? Hasn't been exactly what she was blissfully looking forward to. I see that, but I also see all the old issues she has and we've had to work through in our own relationship.

Lissie and Tia reconciled earlier today, but Tia still worries. And she's overprotective. She wouldn't deny it. Especially of Lissie. But it's good to see them not... as awkward anyway.

Me? I'm going to keep an open mind. I can't see any other method of survival in this situation.

Insomnia again

The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time

Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

I'm fine.
Really... I haven't really left my room much since the other day, and things are awkward between Tia and myself, but I'm fine. Yes, I took a risk, letting Michael in when I knew something was wrong. I seem to be slightly talented at that. Do I regret it? Maybe a little. Am I shaken? Maybe a little. After all, I let myself get drugged. Funny, that. But I'll be fine. I always am. I'll get past it. Because that's what I do. Every little break gets patched. It's just a matter of seeing if the whole is stronger or weaker after the mend.

Funny how I seem to be writing these posts at odder and odder hours. Comes from not sleeping much, I guess. I don't feel like dreaming right now. Not with what's been going on. I don't want it. I don't regret coming to Hope, though. It's nice here, even with everything. I've mostly been painting and watching movies on my laptop over the last few days, and I really don't mind that fact. I'm just... uncomfortable around people again. Which is sort of unfortunate, since I'd started to relax a bit. I'll deal.

And Michael, if you read this, I do forgive you. As I said. Because I can. Because it's honestly not worth holding it against you. It'd be completely stupid to get riled up over something happening to me, at this point. Even if it had been something else that had happened... It's not worth it. If I did, it would do more harm than good, in the long run. I'm not unaffected by this. I'm not completely numb, but I forgive you. I will never lie to you about the fact that I care, and I will try to be there for you as much as I can. We all have our problems. I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

We all have our problems.
I'm almost out of my meds. Just a few days worth left. This should be fun.

"Don't say goodbye. Because saying goodbye is leaving, and leaving is forgetting."

Amusing... heh.

Elisa, Elisa, Elisa.

What interesting taste you have in... bedfellows.

Hee.

You really do have slightly atrocious luck.

One's gone, one's your friend, and now you've been drugged  by dear... Nemo... Michael... Heh, does the name quite matter at this point?
Probably does, but I honestly couldn't care less at the moment.

I imagine you were completely sweet up to the last second before you swooned away in his arms.

Or did he let you fall on the floor?

I'm sort of hoping he did.
It would just be the topper on this.

It's funny, funny business.

You care and love, or claim to, even when you don't completely trust.

Or did you trust?

Oh, that would be delicious.

He used you, Elisa.
Played your emotions.

But then, you're used to unreturned emotions, aren't you?

You knew something, though.

You knew things were "wrong", and yet you just stood there and hugged him or something, didn't you?

Idiot.

They're going to pity you, of course.

A pathetic fool who got herself drugged for her troubles.

Worthless.

Alone, even with them around you.

Numb.

Mine, anyway.
Somehow.

Learning

It's been an interesting few days, I suppose. Tia already linked to what happened with Michael, of course. I've been painting a bit again.  Got rid of the one I finished, though.... Cut it up and burned it in the back yard. Funny how I feel the need to ruin the outcome of fifteen hours or more locked away in my room. Somethings just don't need to be seen, though.

Now that my side's better, I've started working on self-defense with Tia a bit again. It's nice, and I'm picking things up reasonably. It's just a matter of getting past certain other issues.

Speaking of issues, I should really try to be a bit more social around here, but to be honest, being around this many people at once can make me nervous.

Glitz and Glam

Blake and I got to have a fancy, lovely, quality time sort of date tonight. It was rather sweet, actually. We got to go into the city to see Wicked, and it was really quite the production, nothing short of what I expected. I could do a whole review of the, but if you wanted one of those, you'd go to a review site or search up the theatre and figure it out from there.

I got to dress up in a pretty gown with some slink to it and Blake was all fancied up in suit and tie. There was dinner at a high-class Italian restaurant and just simple conversation and romance. It's been a long, long time since we were able to have time like that.

Elaine gave us the tickets his opportunity, and I'm all manner of grateful. I haven't felt so peaceful in a long, long time. Hope has been good for me. No, Hope's been good for us, let's not make this all about me. Elaine decided to start holding sparring sessions in the evenings before dinner, so that's going to be good for me, no need to fall out of practice after all. And it's a different sort of socializing. I pair off with her almost decently when it comes to barehanded fights.

There was an incident here at Hope the other day. Yes, I suppose I did lug around a Skin-and-Bones sort of boy. For now, it's been taken care of and I suppose he's come a bit out of it. That's for the better.

On a slightly more positive note, I've started a garden here at Hope. Something to give back for all the positive there's been here. I'm keeping my hands busy in our down time. I'm not about to complain though: downtime is a good thing.

Reflections

A mirror, once cracked, will always be at least slightly marred, even if you glue it back together. This is a truth I've seen to be true on many occasions, both in a literal and metaphorical sense. However, is the image reflected within it made better or worse for its distortion? To change the metaphor, can all breaks heal if tended properly? It's a silly question to be pondering this early in the morning, I guess. I can't really sleep right now, though. It's just funny being around people who see me as having worth, I suppose. Among other things. I'll shut up on that train of thought before someone jumps down my throat, though.

Things have been interesting at Hope. I've found that it's funny how something that is probably so very normal to many people is, to me, the most surreal and confusing turn of events since this whole thing really started a few months ago. Well, I guess that's an inaccurate timeline, unless I say "started in a larger-scale way for me on a personal level, if dreams are just dreams." Hmn, I think that made sense... Anyway, yes. Confusing, flustering, and surreal. I find that to be an apt description.

Other than that, I've been watching people a lot here. It's quite nerve-wracking to be around so many people at times, but kind of interesting. I've seen the expected wariness, some not quite expected nervousness, comfort, mischief, affection, and more. It's interesting to see various facets of people in person that you can't quite grasp on a whole through text. People... People scare me, confuse me at times, and make me nervous, but they're really kind of interesting to me. It's almost funny, the level of normalcy there is here between people.

I have to wonder about things people don't say, of course, but everyone has secrets. Except for me, right. Heh. Tia, Blake and I are going shopping later in the day, which should be nice. It's starting to get a bit chilly at night, and I'm admittedly a wimp when it comes to cold weather. Comes from living in Southern Alabama all my life. I've seen snow in real life all of twice, and it's a bit silly. We're not sure if or when we're going to move on, but it'll be nice to have some warmer clothes other than my coat. And hey, clothes that haven't been mended multiple times and aren't covered with paint may be a good thing.

Homesick

It's almost unreal how normal life is right now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining.

There were video games with some of the other guys here, not to mention the dinner Tia made, which was awesome. She was singing today while she did things about the room. It's good to hear her sing again. Means she's content. She had a rough night of it last night though. Nightmares is my suspicion. She just couldn't settle right for sleep. Seems like it's settled now though. Which is more than a good thing.

Tia makes me think of home, and how I miss it. How I miss my family. How close I used to be to them. We used to have barbecues almost every other Saturday and there would be sports watching and video games and other such things. They were good times. Tia treats me right, asked me to bring home pork chops so I could have a taste of that home I miss today.

I'm not about to start regretting though. I'm still happy with Tia. I just wish we could visit home again, but that's a bad idea and everyone involved knows it. So we'll let baseball games go unwatched in the family environment and let them keep on thinking I'm on a happy road trip for this long while. Maybe when things calm down, but... that's unlikely to happen.

A Taste of Normalcy

Lissie and I went into town today - for the first time in months we had some quality, just us time. She is my longest friend you know, it's not as though that comes without any bonding time. I did miss Lissie time when I was living in California, you know it's not the same with phone calls and skype chats.


So we went out to eat at a fanciful restaurant with menus that had no prices on the listings and spoiled ourselves silly. We even dared to eat dessert. It was a bold night for us, but that butterscotch cheesecake was beyond worth it. So were the ribs. I have no regrets, even if my wallet does.


Then we hung out in a cafe until closing and just people watched for a couple hours. There was this mother and daughter pair and the girl was still in her softball cleats and she was all manner of sort of adorable. Sometimes I feel like such a freakin' breeder. I'm okay with that most days. Other days the idea of smallish me-spawn is terrifying.


And we talked about everything. It's been such a long time since we've gone from a topic like the best flavor whipped cream to politics to relationships and feelings. It was good to get things out and in the open, including the scarier bits of our situation. She's better at all the understanding bits about Him, I've never been the best at research, but she is. Thank heavens for that, because otherwise I'm sure we'd all be dead.


Yay for not being dead and still being able to joke about blueberry flavored punch or gingerbread houses or Sir Boll Weevil and his trusty sidekick the Dustbunny.

Arrival

Well, we got to Hope okay today, around two or three in the afternoon. It was nice to finally meet Elaine in person, with as much as we've been talking. Of course, I got wrangled into not helping with any of the bags, but I'm honestly trying to behave well enough. We also met Lucas and Josh in passing, and they seem really nice. If I can get up the nerve to talk to them. I'll have to ask them their favorite colors if I do. I'm in a crocheting mood... Well, to be honest, I'm just in a generally restless mood. I'm usually a better injured person than this. Usually.

Although, it's the saddest, funniest thing. We nearly forgot that today is Tia's birthday! Blake, of course remembered. Don't you just want to pinch his cheeks? But seriously, man. Good on you. It's been hectic recently. Anyway, we ended up getting set up in our rooms. (It's kind of nice to have a room of my own again) A litte while later, Tia, Blake, Elaine and I took over the kitchen to make a delicious cake, no lie.

There was much silliness to be had, and to be quite honest, despite the things going on in my head still and the stitches, this is the best I've felt in weeks. I can only hope for the best right now.

Someone Has Been Looking At Us

There was an envelope tucked into the door of the hotel room. Don't currently have a scanner so I'm transcribing it. Don't much care for what I'm reading here. And some of the document is blacked out, noted thusly: (----)

Subject 058

• Marie Sinclair
• Age of first encounter: 11 (2005) Documented. Vector unknown.
• Note: Diagnosed at age 16 with Type 2 diabetes. Blood sugar kept normalized mostly through diet modification.
• Family Relationships: Seemingly normal relationship with parents. Slight hero-worship of older brother.
• Status: Self harm/mutilation, signs of intense guilt over some unknown incident. Possibly blames herself for the fate of Subject 059. Paralyzed from the waist down and rendered comatose after a two-day disappearance (2011). Is presently awake as of (-----) and residing with her parents again.
  

Subject 059

• Jared Sinclair
• Age of first encounter: 17 (2005) Documented.
• Family Relationships: Distant from parents, seemingly over-protective of younger sister.
• Status: Disappeared, presumed dead at age 18 (2006) (-------------------------------------------------------------) Showed signs of acute paranoia and delusion prior to the events. Attended therapy sessions with one Dr. Hector Chavez.
  

Subject 104

• Elisa Jackson
• Age of first encounter: 23 (2011) Questionable. Presumed exposed by Subject 059 as of 2006, with quite some time before showing signs.
• Note: Shows signs of obstructive sleep apnea, and uses a C-PAP machine in order ot assist with said condition. (---------) Has been known to show signs of malnutrition.
• Family Relationships: Normal up until 2003-2004. Mother deceased (2008) Father at large, divorced (2003). Only child.
• Status: Emotionally unstable and shows a severe lack of self-worth and self-compassion at times. Shows signs of what may be a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, tied to events which are not common knowledge at this time, but part of which are believed to be tied to her father. Shows signs of severe social and generalized anxiety. Shows surprising levels of tenacity when spurred by the proper stimulus. Attended therapy sessions with one Dr. Hector Chavez.
  

Subject 162

• Tiana Harlow
• Note: Shows mild asthmatic symptoms, exacerbated by the "sickness" associated with the entity. Shows signs of (----------------------)
• Age of first encounter: 23 (2011) Exposed by Subject 104.
• Family Relationships: Very close to her mother; idol-worship of father. Only child.
• Status: Shows signs of a severe abandonment complex and issues with forming lasting attachments with people due to continued moving as a child, in addition to her fathers multiple tours with the Army. Subject 104 is apparently an anomaly in this regard. Further digging reveals a year and a half of therapy for depression after her father's death (2008) with one Dr. Lily Clement.
  

Subject 163

• Blake Faust
• Age of first encounter: 26 (2011) Exposed by Subject 104 by connection with Subject 162
• Family Relationships: Comes from a large family planted (mostly) in California. (----------------) Seems to remain fairly distant from them (possibly also a symptom of his hero complex, mentioned below). Potential siblings(?)
• Status: Has developed something of a hero complex due to his relationship with Subject 162. Further investigation needed.
  

Need documentation on the parents of Subjects 058 and 059.

Marie? Awake? Last we checked that was not the case. Oh, did I mention this was done on a typewriter?


I think it's time we get to Elaine's.

Lis is Back

Everyone cheer happy cheers! She woke up yesterday, late evening, and we had a nice, long conversation to do with... everything that went on Friday. And what we're going to do in the future about it. I think it would be more befitting for Lissie to tell you all of those details when she's good and well with them, if ever she wants to. It's up to her, and I wouldn't ask her to do anything she didn't want to.


We also got to have a nice little room-service dinner and extend our stay a little while longer. I don't particularly want to, but we do need to let Lis heal properly, and those are precious stitches I did. She won't be popping a single one if I've anything to say about it.


In the meanwhile, since we're sitting ducks until further notice, I think it's time for a little trip down memory lane. I mentioned my father in the last blog post. And I think this deserves some mention. My father was a soldier. Daddy was a Sergeant, and as far as titles go, it's not the highest, but it's a good, respectable position.  Our family got a lot of respect on the bases, but we were also moved around a lot. Dad got a lot of transfers, and he was on his way up. We stayed in the same place the longest... only when he was overseas. One of those times was Enterprise, Alabama. And that's where I met Lissie, the sweetheart that she is. We can go deeper into the memories of Fort Rucker another time.


I was little, and my dad was home more often, well, we weren't exactly the typical family when it came to bonding activities. My father started teaching me mixed martial arts around eight. We spent hours every day practicing proper form and kicks and punches. My eight-year-old self didn't really understand that he was teaching me ways to defend myself, that he never wanted me to be helpless, I just knew it was father-daughter time and that was what was important. It wasn't all the time, but it felt wonderful to be able to join my dad for morning work-outs.


Yes, you know what that means? I'm a morning person. I liked to take runs before the sun's even risen. Yeah. I'm crazy. Unfortunately things like that are... less practical now. Oh well, practicality's got priority right now.


He taught me emergency first-aid. And what it means to be in a war. Not the pretty glamorous things they tell you in the media. But what it means to be fighting another man and when it comes down to it, it's either him or you and there's no getting around that. My dad taught me a lot about practicality and war and love. And I appreciated him when I had him around. I didn't have him very often.


I miss him, a lot. Blake never got to meet him. The last assignment... didn't go over so well. Sometimes people  aren't so lucky. I miss him. I don't feel like I saw him enough. I have to wonder how my mother must feel when she thinks about him.


Anyway, enough nostalgia. We'll be heading for a safe place in the next few days. We need some down time. And Elaine's been kind enough to offer us some with her.

Funny how people finding you curled up in the dirt is seeming to become a habit, Elisa.
Wonderfully dramatic timing on his part, though.
Don't you think?
The amount of blood lost on your part is unfortunate, though.
You made the Choice though, didn't you?
You actually made the Choice.
Selfish little Lissie, sparing her friends from defending her.
Hide away, short stuff.
After all, it's what you're good for, hiding behind people like the pitiful little wretch you are.


This path you're on will twist and turn.
People will fall and skies will burn.
Build it tall and build it thick
Stone by stone and brick by brick.
For all the good that it will do
These walls will soon collapse on you.
Your blood will wash into the sea.
In the end, it's you or me.
Change what you can, but in the end
You will do more than lose a friend.
And I will laugh.
And laugh.
And laugh.

You won't have the nerve.
Who will have to kill for you the next time?
And the next?
And the next?
Watch Rome burn, Elisa.
I'll bring the fiddle.

Time to Vomit?

There isn't any.


Sweet mother of Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell just fell on my doorstep? What the hell just developed in this crazy life I share? What the fuck did we just invite into our small, travelling troupe? What. The. Fuck?


Maybe I should step back and tell a story here. If I could tell a complete story, I would. But I can't right now. I don't have all the motherfucking details. Here: I'll paint my half of the picture for you.


Lis has been insisting that Blake and I have some "us" time. We've all been in the same room for the past however long now and she's been feeling like she's imposing (she's not, but it's how she feels) so she insists she goes out alone and she insists that she'll be okay. It's only after she's completely convinced me she'll be okay that we let her go out and do her own thing. That was about 5 hours ago. She left, and on her end of the picture, I imagine she went to a quaint little cafe or quiet little bookstore or peaceful little deli. That's to her taste. I don't actually know because she's practically cata-fucking-tonic. But she'd enjoy that sort of thing, so that's what I imagine her intent was tonight.


On our end of the picture, we have a nice little romantic in the hotel picnic with candlelight and wine and cheap sushi we bought from the grocery, and we're happy for the moment if only because we're blissfully unaware. So things are turning into a nice night between Blake and I, and because we were assured that Lissie would be okay, we let go of the thoughts that might hold us back.


And let me be honest. We weren't holding back. It's been a long time. I'm sure you get the idea and I'm sure I don't need to go into detail. So here we are in the hotel room, highly distracted, when there's a loud THUMP at the door, and I can't be too sure it's our door, but it's a really loud thump. I'm not going to take any chances.


So I find the nearest shirt available, throw it on and open the door to find a slumped Lis falling against my bare legs. And she's bloody. She's bloody and I can barely hear her rasp an "I'm sorry," - that's so Lis - apologizing when she's bleeding out on the floor. Well, there goes us time. I'm not even thinking about it when I'm dragging Lis into the bathroom and fetching the first aid/sewing kit. Nope. I see a nice gash there on her rib cage, right side, nice and deep. It's not bleeding too bad at this point, but my guess is because she doesn't have much blood left in her.


Clean cloth for the wound? Check. Have Blake run for ice for numbing? Check (even if she's not responding to much anyway). Foreign materials removed from the wound? My least favorite part, and check. Sanitized needles? Check. Thread? Check. 14 stitches later the wound looks pretty clean. Daddy taught me well. With Blake's help we manage to get her into her bed and between the two of us we get some fluid in her. It's easier said then done. And now we can only hope she wakes up.


A note for when Lis wakes up, because she's going to wake up: make sure the girl eats more (and keeps more down). She's even skinnier shirtless than I thought she'd be. It's worrisome.


On another note, it seems that Crispy will no longer be an issue, view Case 1C. Apparently we're not a threat. That's a good sign. For now, I'll take it. I figured Crispy was the culprit, but I wasn't exactly thinking about it when I was stitching Lis up. I don't like this road we're on. Not one bloody bit.

Roll on, highway

I see Blake started to write up a post on what Tia saw yesterday, but he's busy comforting her again now that we've stopped again. She's honestly not saying much about it, and neither of us is pushing her. Sometimes you just... know, though. Does that make sense? Seeing something like that as a nearly tangible thing. Maybe it's just another dream.

The same jerk who's been dogging us since Alabama, watching, waiting, trying to push buttons. The same one from before. Shot him in the face with the flare gun. Stabbed in the face with the crochet hook. Not sure how I managed that. On to more important things, though.

He decided to start screwing with the hotel guests, apparently. Too much of a coward or at least too much of an ass to come at us directly. Not that I'll complain about that on some levels. You know, other than pulling more people who have no tie to this in to die. Tia saw him in the parking lot with a young woman, the skin on her her arms sliced up into little symbols, her hair hacked off to expose her scalp, dragging her away... Tia cut off there, but I know. I know what she saw. I see it. How?

Another town, another hotel. So tired of this... Need to give the lovebirds some time soon. Even if it's stupid. Someone needs to have something good right now. When it rains, it pours, and cliche little  things like that. I can't do much of anything for anyone else at the moment other than them... I can only hope it counts for something in the long run.

Black Dirt Will Stain Your Feet

It seems like everything's wrong in all the places we've been. I look back and I see fires and abandoned homes and homelessness and murders and random acts of violence. I not only see them, but I see that the rates have clearly... gone up. It makes one want to become an isolationist, because we're always infecting someone; we're always causing someone pain.


Maybe that's my problem; I look back at all. I see the change; I feel guilt. I don't feel it quite like Lis does, she's guilting constantly over Blake and I. I feel it for complete strangers.


Maybe this is the lesson Orpheus is meant to teach us. "Don't look back or you'll lose your most precious thing forever, instead of just for now." I've always been bad at learning that lesson. I can't help but blame myself. And I know I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't take it personally... but that woman... she was... right in front of me, and I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't do a thing but watch and then try to run, very inefficiently. How do I leave that in my past? How do I leave that woman's cry's for help... unanswered? In the back of my mind?


I've never been very good at putting myself first.

Glittery Black Mood Rings

We've come too far to turn back
It's way too dark to unpack
We'd stop right here but we're slipping
This ground is loose, we're not gripping

We're way in over our heads, it seems
And this place is coming apart at the seams
We can't stop or control our direction
The further we go, the less protection

Suddenly the beast takes notice
Unexpectedly we've earned his focus
We got here by a naive assumption
Our confidence was a false presumption

It's raining again... I think..... My head hurts so bad. Concussions are the worst.

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