Voicing Opinions

Micheal has come back to Hope. I've mixed feelings on the matter. Now, I didn't see him break, and I didn't see him go, and I didn't have to watch people defend themselves. Generally speaking, he seemed to be a nice enough guy.

In regards to Smash Bros? Rematches will have to be had.

However, Tia saw him breaking, hard. And she saw his potential to hurt people. Yes, he drugged Lis. But somehow, I think in his view of reality, he was protecting her. And maybe himself. I know that's not exactly the normal view of things. It's hard to say, I'm not in the guy's head. I don't think I'd want to be.

The thing about my chosen partner is Tia doesn't trust easy. She tries. She really does. But she just doesn't trust. It's not in her nature. People have left her, time and time again, and she doesn't want to see that happen to Elisa. Maybe that's why she tried so hard to keep contact? She didn't want to be like all the people who left and gave up on her before? All vague theories on their relationship, but from what I know of Tia, once someone leaves, it's hard for her to let them back in. And, admittedly, Micheal left. And she didn't get on with him shiningly anyway. She's not as good with people as she would seem, just a select few.

So, his return to Hope? Hasn't been exactly what she was blissfully looking forward to. I see that, but I also see all the old issues she has and we've had to work through in our own relationship.

Lissie and Tia reconciled earlier today, but Tia still worries. And she's overprotective. She wouldn't deny it. Especially of Lissie. But it's good to see them not... as awkward anyway.

Me? I'm going to keep an open mind. I can't see any other method of survival in this situation.

Insomnia again

The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time

Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

I'm fine.
Really... I haven't really left my room much since the other day, and things are awkward between Tia and myself, but I'm fine. Yes, I took a risk, letting Michael in when I knew something was wrong. I seem to be slightly talented at that. Do I regret it? Maybe a little. Am I shaken? Maybe a little. After all, I let myself get drugged. Funny, that. But I'll be fine. I always am. I'll get past it. Because that's what I do. Every little break gets patched. It's just a matter of seeing if the whole is stronger or weaker after the mend.

Funny how I seem to be writing these posts at odder and odder hours. Comes from not sleeping much, I guess. I don't feel like dreaming right now. Not with what's been going on. I don't want it. I don't regret coming to Hope, though. It's nice here, even with everything. I've mostly been painting and watching movies on my laptop over the last few days, and I really don't mind that fact. I'm just... uncomfortable around people again. Which is sort of unfortunate, since I'd started to relax a bit. I'll deal.

And Michael, if you read this, I do forgive you. As I said. Because I can. Because it's honestly not worth holding it against you. It'd be completely stupid to get riled up over something happening to me, at this point. Even if it had been something else that had happened... It's not worth it. If I did, it would do more harm than good, in the long run. I'm not unaffected by this. I'm not completely numb, but I forgive you. I will never lie to you about the fact that I care, and I will try to be there for you as much as I can. We all have our problems. I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

We all have our problems.
I'm almost out of my meds. Just a few days worth left. This should be fun.

"Don't say goodbye. Because saying goodbye is leaving, and leaving is forgetting."

Amusing... heh.

Elisa, Elisa, Elisa.

What interesting taste you have in... bedfellows.

Hee.

You really do have slightly atrocious luck.

One's gone, one's your friend, and now you've been drugged  by dear... Nemo... Michael... Heh, does the name quite matter at this point?
Probably does, but I honestly couldn't care less at the moment.

I imagine you were completely sweet up to the last second before you swooned away in his arms.

Or did he let you fall on the floor?

I'm sort of hoping he did.
It would just be the topper on this.

It's funny, funny business.

You care and love, or claim to, even when you don't completely trust.

Or did you trust?

Oh, that would be delicious.

He used you, Elisa.
Played your emotions.

But then, you're used to unreturned emotions, aren't you?

You knew something, though.

You knew things were "wrong", and yet you just stood there and hugged him or something, didn't you?

Idiot.

They're going to pity you, of course.

A pathetic fool who got herself drugged for her troubles.

Worthless.

Alone, even with them around you.

Numb.

Mine, anyway.
Somehow.

Learning

It's been an interesting few days, I suppose. Tia already linked to what happened with Michael, of course. I've been painting a bit again.  Got rid of the one I finished, though.... Cut it up and burned it in the back yard. Funny how I feel the need to ruin the outcome of fifteen hours or more locked away in my room. Somethings just don't need to be seen, though.

Now that my side's better, I've started working on self-defense with Tia a bit again. It's nice, and I'm picking things up reasonably. It's just a matter of getting past certain other issues.

Speaking of issues, I should really try to be a bit more social around here, but to be honest, being around this many people at once can make me nervous.

Glitz and Glam

Blake and I got to have a fancy, lovely, quality time sort of date tonight. It was rather sweet, actually. We got to go into the city to see Wicked, and it was really quite the production, nothing short of what I expected. I could do a whole review of the, but if you wanted one of those, you'd go to a review site or search up the theatre and figure it out from there.

I got to dress up in a pretty gown with some slink to it and Blake was all fancied up in suit and tie. There was dinner at a high-class Italian restaurant and just simple conversation and romance. It's been a long, long time since we were able to have time like that.

Elaine gave us the tickets his opportunity, and I'm all manner of grateful. I haven't felt so peaceful in a long, long time. Hope has been good for me. No, Hope's been good for us, let's not make this all about me. Elaine decided to start holding sparring sessions in the evenings before dinner, so that's going to be good for me, no need to fall out of practice after all. And it's a different sort of socializing. I pair off with her almost decently when it comes to barehanded fights.

There was an incident here at Hope the other day. Yes, I suppose I did lug around a Skin-and-Bones sort of boy. For now, it's been taken care of and I suppose he's come a bit out of it. That's for the better.

On a slightly more positive note, I've started a garden here at Hope. Something to give back for all the positive there's been here. I'm keeping my hands busy in our down time. I'm not about to complain though: downtime is a good thing.

Reflections

A mirror, once cracked, will always be at least slightly marred, even if you glue it back together. This is a truth I've seen to be true on many occasions, both in a literal and metaphorical sense. However, is the image reflected within it made better or worse for its distortion? To change the metaphor, can all breaks heal if tended properly? It's a silly question to be pondering this early in the morning, I guess. I can't really sleep right now, though. It's just funny being around people who see me as having worth, I suppose. Among other things. I'll shut up on that train of thought before someone jumps down my throat, though.

Things have been interesting at Hope. I've found that it's funny how something that is probably so very normal to many people is, to me, the most surreal and confusing turn of events since this whole thing really started a few months ago. Well, I guess that's an inaccurate timeline, unless I say "started in a larger-scale way for me on a personal level, if dreams are just dreams." Hmn, I think that made sense... Anyway, yes. Confusing, flustering, and surreal. I find that to be an apt description.

Other than that, I've been watching people a lot here. It's quite nerve-wracking to be around so many people at times, but kind of interesting. I've seen the expected wariness, some not quite expected nervousness, comfort, mischief, affection, and more. It's interesting to see various facets of people in person that you can't quite grasp on a whole through text. People... People scare me, confuse me at times, and make me nervous, but they're really kind of interesting to me. It's almost funny, the level of normalcy there is here between people.

I have to wonder about things people don't say, of course, but everyone has secrets. Except for me, right. Heh. Tia, Blake and I are going shopping later in the day, which should be nice. It's starting to get a bit chilly at night, and I'm admittedly a wimp when it comes to cold weather. Comes from living in Southern Alabama all my life. I've seen snow in real life all of twice, and it's a bit silly. We're not sure if or when we're going to move on, but it'll be nice to have some warmer clothes other than my coat. And hey, clothes that haven't been mended multiple times and aren't covered with paint may be a good thing.

Homesick

It's almost unreal how normal life is right now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining.

There were video games with some of the other guys here, not to mention the dinner Tia made, which was awesome. She was singing today while she did things about the room. It's good to hear her sing again. Means she's content. She had a rough night of it last night though. Nightmares is my suspicion. She just couldn't settle right for sleep. Seems like it's settled now though. Which is more than a good thing.

Tia makes me think of home, and how I miss it. How I miss my family. How close I used to be to them. We used to have barbecues almost every other Saturday and there would be sports watching and video games and other such things. They were good times. Tia treats me right, asked me to bring home pork chops so I could have a taste of that home I miss today.

I'm not about to start regretting though. I'm still happy with Tia. I just wish we could visit home again, but that's a bad idea and everyone involved knows it. So we'll let baseball games go unwatched in the family environment and let them keep on thinking I'm on a happy road trip for this long while. Maybe when things calm down, but... that's unlikely to happen.