Showing posts with label music save me from myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music save me from myself. Show all posts

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Dream a little dream

How many dreams does a person have in a night? Too many.

Stars going out like candles, an image shown in so many media. The splintering of bone.Why dream about something like that? When we're children, we have nightmares even then. Glowing green eyes in the depths of a cave. A whispered name.

I dreamed tonight that I was in a maze. Not a labyrinth, a maze. A multicursal stucture, rather than a unicursal structure. The walls were not stone. The were gray, gray, gray and brown, with writing on them. Some form of concrete or stucco? Beside the point.

Alchemical symbols. Antimony. Silver. Platinum. Magnesium. Gold. All beneath a layer of dust so thick that I could see my footprints in it. Ahead of me was evidence of someone passing before. Small of stature, bare feet. Bare feet in that mess... I've  stepped in worse, I guess.

As I ran a hand along the grime and rust-covered wall, watching the flowering of the rust along the surface, I began to notice lighter spots along the wall. They were rectangles, reaching from above my head to the floor. Like when you have a piece of furniture in a single place for a very long time and it leaves a mark when you move it.

It took a long moment as I looked at the marks, and I began to realize that they were doors. Or where there were doors. Places where the doors had vanished. What would happen if you were in a room and the door vanished? Would you try to go through the wall?

What if you couldn't go through the wall due to being trapped in an extradimensional pocket? Set fire to the room? Listen to the voices? Try to press on anyway? Curl up in a ball and give up? Rage against the sky that you no longer had access to and that would not listen, anyway? Skies are very bad listeners. They have no ears.

Pc ypn wngf ittlwf qxpy sff httn dwhh ui, ak ah httrw oqixs bw ttwozs tq evmccw spr rdrlmps.

There were true openings in the walls now. Tiny altars of perhaps-dead things that have been forgotten for many a year. A woman robed in cobweb, the wet, glittering black of her eyes shielded by skeletal fingers, a ring glinting on each. A small, stout man with the face of an reptile of some sort, eyes sparkling and following every movement, completely nude. A many-horned creature, vague in form, leathery and violent in its very appearance.  A young woman with the eyes of a cat, snakes and the tails of scorpions woven into her sooty hair, a shattered hand outstretched in supplication. A child with her hands over her eyes, wings of light broken and shattered. Offerings become dust themselves, scattered and strewn away.

Tell the king; the fair wrought house has fallen
No shelter has Apollo, nor sacred laurel leaves
The fountains are now silent; the voice is stilled.
It is finished.
 
Some less forgotten,  a woman of ironwood will, a misbegotten child, a singing cold wind, the faceless bachelor thief, and many more. Teir numbers grow. There are many ways to give something power, but why do people choose to? Do what ways they choose matter to the chosen? The dust was stirred more around some than around others, this part of the path heavily trodden and lit by the glow of screens unseen.

Other tiny staues are tucked in smaller nooks, most of them toppled over on their sides, a spread of acrid liquid spilling from their bases, discoloring the air and the mind with shades of dreams lost and unseen.

As I went further, the hundred alcoves became fewer. They were all empty, except for more graffiti, and the walls have elaborate water stains, dripping rust and orange colors down the concrete. One of the spaces had a small round opening, perhaps six inches in diameter, presumably the mouth of a pipe. It was also surrounded by a flower of rust stains, and some individual with a very strange sense of humor left a ragged black scrawl reading “The Chicken Goes Here” with an arrow pointing to it.

If only I’d thought to bring a chicken... and that was an odd place to wake up from, babbling and clinging.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Iron Rose

Insularity is something that's becoming far too easy to fall into for us these days. With Tia closing herself off more, to most people, and Kailin just being Kailin. Jared's pretty outgoing, but I think he's a bit guarded for his own reasons. Understandably. There are still a few people keeping us from this, and I'm glad of that.

I got another email the other day asking why we bother Running. Honestly, I'm the most to blame for that. Among other reasons, like not wanting to lie down and die. I have to consider how long we're in one location before people start to notice that things aren't quite... right. How long will it take before something chips through their self-absorption or whatever else is holding their attention and they start to pay attention to the weird little group staying it room-number whatever-the-heck? Start to notice the graffiti that got painted over the other day, the figures skulking in every shadow, the chalk-scratchings on the sidewalk?

Some people compare being Stalked to being like a transmittable disease. I don't necessarily consider it that way, but I have to wonder. If that's true, we've been traveling, off and on, for a good while now. What is our footprint of spread? How many people have been drawn into things that might not have, if we hadn't been in a certain place at a certain time? How many weights should be on my conscience, if only I knew of them?

Is it so surprising then, that I choose to generally not make extra money by selling paintings? Especially some of them... I've done in excess of a hundred paintings that have not been posted, and never will be posted, because they have been disposed of. Egocentric? Maybe, but there are some things I'd prefer not to take chances on. Things people weren't meant to see. So, as I've said, I get rid of them. For my own mental well-being.

What little there is left of it, anyway.

We're still making do with things. Jared's still in the doghouse a bit. Is that selfish of me? Maybe a little. I've forgiven him, but it's been almost six years since I saw him last. Since we saw him last. We've all changed in that time. Maybe we don't have the time to dance around things, but getting to know eachother again is proving interesting. He actually got Tia to smile the other day.

That's a rare sight, these days. She rarely smiles at most people recently, at least in any real way. Tia's always had anger issues, even when we were teenagers. That's part of why there was such a negative reaction from us when someone told her in the comments to someone telling her to let that become a weapon.

To let something like anger control you is just like anything else that you allow to cloud judgement. Lashing out like a wounded, trapped animal is not acceptable, no matter how likely a reaction it is at times these days. We are not animals. And to allow our situation to attempt to form us into anything of the sort... I don't know. I wish it were so simple.

It's hard to see the light try to fade from people as you struggle to stoke that fire. Not just our little group, but those beyond it. To not merely survive, but to live.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Continuation

And I demand
 You put my heart back in my hand
 And wipe it clean
 From the mess you made of me
 And I require
 You make me free from this desire
 And when you leave, I'd better be the innocent
I used to be

The world is full of poets
We don't need anymore
 The world is full of singers
 We don't need anymore
 The world is full of lovers
 We don't need anymore

Something I've been working on.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Hospital smell


Yeah, I've been painting still. It helps me stay calm. Kailin's chilled out a little. We can't leave right now, and it's been enough trouble as it is to convince the staff that they shouldn't just kick me and Kailin out, because we're "not family".

...It's incredibly awkward to play the "I'm her girlfriend" card sometimes, even if it's true. Especially when you're not sure how people will react.

Tia's still in and out. There's very little coherency to her right now, and the doctors... There's something they're not saying at the moment. Still. I hate when people hide things.

I've honestly never been so... unnerved by a hospital, though. Maybe it's because of recent events. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm constantly being watched when I'm in the halls. Maybe it's because of that little girl I saw in the ER waiting room the other night with the dead, calculating eyes and the miswrought smile as her "father" fawned over her. Maybe it's the scratchings I see along the baseboards from the corner of my eye that aren't there when I look straight on.

Or maybe that's just the lack of sleep talking and those were all waking-dreams. Kailin went to talk to... someone in the cafeteria last night. I know that much. Zie's not telling who it was at the moment,but I have a suspiscion.

...I'm going to try to get a nap. I have to, or I'll be even more useless than usual.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Yeah, anyway

Dreamer, hm? Dreamer, Heroine, Bloodstained Handmaiden, Lis. I'm just Lis. I'm nobody important, except to a few people. It doesn't help that one of those idiotic nicknames came from our ever-so-dear-Shepherd and one from Marie. I'm nobody. I am beneath notice. I am insignificant. I keep saying it, but people try to deny it and see something else.

Kailin calls me an optimist, and maybe, in comparison to zer, I  am. But then, a lot of people are, in comparison to Kailin. The kid's been through a lot. That's not my story to tell, though.

Dreams, right... Yeah, I dream a lot. People, places, things unfamiliar, and things better left unseen. I paint. People, places and things better left unseen. I dispose of many of the paintings. Most of them are of no worth anyway, and aren't exactly for mass consumption. I just sometimes have to get things out of my head and onto paper, you know? Some people do that with writing. I guess I do it with paintings? Well, paintings and my random rambles. But then, nobody really cares about an artist until they're dead or insane, anyway.

Most of it's stuff that doesn't make any sense. It's funny. It's like I dream in abstracts sometimes. Life is mutable. Every choice, every moment changes something. It's pointless to ever think you can know every angle, even when you feel like you do. There are shadows from every side, anyway. People focus so much on the evil that they know, but mabe there's more there.

And now I sound as silly and ominous as Kailin. Heh... Anyway, I'm likely to keep having weird dreams. I've had them for years, before any of this happened. They've just gotten more prominent and bothersome recently. By the way, I'm getting a new tattoo, I think. If I'm going to look odd, might as well really go for it. And I may not post another painting on my next post... I don't know, it all depends on what falls out of my head between now and the next time I decide to write.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Guilt

Things are never simple, huh? I'm sitting out here in the truck, waiting for Tia to come back out. We're at Blake's parents' place at the moment. She's inside...

Maybe not the safest move, but I'd let something slip. It's at least partially my fault, after all. I'f i'd just gotten theere sooner. If I'd just said something sooner. If. If. If.

Maybe it's arrogant to think I could've made a difference, but maybe I could've or maybe I'd have just made things worse, just like other times. It seems to happen more often than not, but... I could've done something, even if was wrong.

It keeps happening. How long until it's Tia's body?

No. Not going to think that way. But yeah, like I said, we decided that... Even though it's not the safest, I should probably stay outside. That whole "chronic inability to lie" thing might be a probelm in this. Heh...  Probably a reasonable precaution, even if I've already been in a staring contest, of sorts. Come on, Tia... Hurry up.