Nostalgia dump-friendship

Past.
It's funny when you think of first meetings. I talk so much about friends, about Tia. Tia's my best friend. She's the only one who would have me for years. She'd deny that. She'd reflect the words back at me, but it's true.

Halfway into Sophomore year. Nearly a year after the incident which shattered my life. The skinny bastard, I hear you say?
No.

Just general, life sometimes falls apart, screwed up-ness. It's funny how your peers treat you when your mother runs your father out of the house at gunpoint, he leaves town, and nobody explains why. It's funny what assumptions are made when you have a sudden shift of personality. It's funny how things change when you let yourself be a victim.

I let myself be a victim.

Nearly halfway into Sophomore year in a mid-sized town in southern Alabama, I was alone as I'd never been alone before. I was scared of the world. Why? Because people exploit weakness. Especially teenagers.

I was getting picked on. Again. Messed with. Again. Pushed around. Again. People exploit weakness.

There was a new girl at school that day. On her first day, she stepped in and defended me. With words and with fists. I was in shock. Funny, that. Someone standing up for me surprised me more than the torment itself. Only a year ago, I would have been able to deal for myself. Funny how people let you fall when you break. When your situation is no longer viable for what they see as the requirements for their friendship.

She got sent home, of course.

As did I, even though all I'd done was sit there on the floor and let people do what they would. Funny how that works. Funny how in this world we are in, in the schools, the victim and defender are punished just as much as the aggressor. Well, possibly not just as much. I'm not here to talk about the state of the public education system, though. We'll save that for another day.

Of course, I had to go back the next day. Of course.

Doodled my way through classes, answered questions they thought I wasn't paying attention to. The usual. Tried to ignore people in the hall. Things slipped into my locker. The usual. The lunchroom. Sitting alone again as always. The usual.

Or not. This girl comes over to my table and just sort of sits down. I watched her for a long moment over the top of my book. Of course it was the chick from the day before. Of course. That's not embarrassing in the least, some random stranger deciding to step in on your daily session of being bullied.

She was new in town. On edge, especially after the day before.  All I got from her that first day is that her name was Tia, and her dad had gotten transferred to the Army base near town. I apologized for the day before, of course. (I always apologize) She just frowned at me for that.

She didn't necessarily want to make friends at first. Said her family moved too much, anyway. Somehow I managed to worm my way past that, though. She needed a friend. She was angry, bitter, and far too used to leaving people behind. And well, at that point, my pickings were slim. Besides the fact that she ended up having my back in later incidents as well. Honestly, I said it back then, and I'll say it now. I appreciate the sentiment of threatening someone for my sake, but it's not worth that.

She became one of the best people I've had in my life. More than I would dare to ask for. Tia could do much better than some broken little... mouse for a friend. I was rebuilding, though. I always rebuild.

We were friends for two and a half years before she moved. He father got transferred again. All the way across the country. She got distant again when she found out. After all, we had promised to be there for each other. We had promised no to let the other get hurt. That we would see each other happy.  And we both so hate to break promises. We talked. We decided to finish out the year like nothing was going wrong. We would stay in touch. I was stubborn about that. I couldn't lose another friend after Jared killed himself.

People don't always leave. People don't always abandon you. I repeated these words to her more than once in those last few months.

And we did stay in touch. Life went on. Things changes, we lost people. We gained people. We were there for each other through our highs and lows. Whether over the phone or over the internet.

Hell, this is the person who, when all of this started just some months ago, picked up and drove to Alabama from California simply because she was worried about me. Because she wanted to protect me.

People look at us and see what they want to see. A tall, strong, independent-seeming, gorgeous woman and a small, fragile, shy, dependent-seeming, cute girl.  There's so much more there. So much more than what's on the outer layer of things. So much more than what someone might see as possessiveness. So much more than the shaky attempts to drive us apart. You do not know the half of it, even with this post. And you probably never will.

Back

And I'm not feeling overly creative about titles right now. Mostly, I'm just tired.

I got to come back to Hope yesterday, and yes I was 'delivered' by the proper time. I have no idea why. I don't really remember all of what happened... And I've no idea why I was even held either. I really... there's not much to say about it.

There's this bruising on my back and Tia can't figure out what caused it, and we've discovered about 4 broken ribs which have only been aggravated by the vomiting I've been doing. My wrists are messed up. Tia thinks they're going to scar.

I remember zip ties being involved. And flashes of things. A concrete room somewhere, searing heat, the stench of sweat, a flash of clean-cut brown hair and a pair of glasses, a smooth voice that said things I don't remember. The things I recall are all disjointed. "You care - so silly - broken - won't you eat - damn fool - miss your Sparrow - Fine." Pain is the most prevalent memory. That's pretty much all I have. I don't know where I was or what he looked like or anything useful of the sort.

Maybe I shut down? Maybe that's why I got 'boring' for the Shepherd? I can't really tell you, to be honest.

What I do know is I'm back with Tia. And I'm able to sleep in a bed and eat properly - and that's even better when the food decides to actually stay down. I couldn't be more grateful. I'm going to take it easy for a while. Back to sleep with me.

Fine. Fine.

Fuck. You. Sheperd. Give him back. Givehimbackrightnow.


You son of a goddamn bitch. You give him back or I swear I will find you and break your little neck in half. First though, first I will make you regret ever coming near him. I will break so much of you and make you feel humiliated and angry and vengeful and incredibly goddamn stupid for messing with my man.


I'm not giving up here on my end, and I know he's not going to give into your little games either. I know him better than to think that he'd break just because you think you can break him.


Because you think you can break us. Fuck you Sheperd. He better be here at Hope before 4 PM or I swear, I will find you. Don't even think I'm joking.


Now I know he didn't just go. Now I know he's being held. And I will not tolerate your bullshit. I will not.


Also, we want Lissie's truck back. And if you tail him back to Hope, I will know. I will find you, and I will break you. I will break you harder than you could ever possibly imagine one girl could manage with only her hands.


That's the deal. 4 PM.

Patience is a Virtue

Elaine went out looking, as did a few others, apparently, and thank you all. But... there's still no sign of Blake. I'm not saying the panic's growing, but... it is.


I really wish I knew where he was... but I don't at the same time. I just hope he's okay. And I'm still... confident he hasn't up and left. Just it doesn't read like that. And he wouldn't just leave me. They don't all leave eventually, and I know that, as much as my head says otherwise.


There's this sinking feeling I'm getting and it makes me want to look, but I don't want him coming back and me not being here, so I'll wait patiently. And keep myself together in one pretty piece. It wouldn't do to fall apart would it?


And I'm at Hope. I'm holding onto what I have of my own hope.

Isolophobia

I... am not going to panic. I am not going to panic.


I am not going let my abandonment issues and fears of being alone cause any accelerated heart palpitations, trembles, dizziness, nausea, or anything else like that. Lissie's here. And I will be rational.


Blake... is not home right now. This would not... normally be an issue. We encourage each other to go out, take time to ourselves, hang out with people not each other. Long term relationships get tiresome and sometimes we need different people or just ourselves. That's fine. It's encouraged. It's well needed.


The problem? Blake left Hope 16.5 hours ago. No one else in the house has seen him since. Now, that's fine, considering he told me he'd be going out. He said he was going to go into town and get away from the laptop for a bit. Maybe hit a cafe or something. I was glad he was getting out. I was happy to hear he'd be breaking his routine. He said he'd pick me up some gardening essentials from the shop on his way back to Hope.


I know why he went out. In two weeks it's our 3 year anniversary. I know why he didn't want me to come with him. It's not that it wasn't obvious. It was. But he plays the excuse game well, and I play along.


But he said he'd be home in time for dinner.


He's not.


You know how often Blake misses dinner? As often as I miss my morning work out. It happens about once a month. He missed breakfast too. Bed's untouched. He's just not home.


I'm worried. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared sick. And I want him back. So I'm going to hang out with Lis, keep my panic and trust issues at bay, and I'll see him when he gets back. Because he'll be back. It's still early, and he'll be back. There's no other option. That's all there is to it.

Voicing Opinions

Micheal has come back to Hope. I've mixed feelings on the matter. Now, I didn't see him break, and I didn't see him go, and I didn't have to watch people defend themselves. Generally speaking, he seemed to be a nice enough guy.

In regards to Smash Bros? Rematches will have to be had.

However, Tia saw him breaking, hard. And she saw his potential to hurt people. Yes, he drugged Lis. But somehow, I think in his view of reality, he was protecting her. And maybe himself. I know that's not exactly the normal view of things. It's hard to say, I'm not in the guy's head. I don't think I'd want to be.

The thing about my chosen partner is Tia doesn't trust easy. She tries. She really does. But she just doesn't trust. It's not in her nature. People have left her, time and time again, and she doesn't want to see that happen to Elisa. Maybe that's why she tried so hard to keep contact? She didn't want to be like all the people who left and gave up on her before? All vague theories on their relationship, but from what I know of Tia, once someone leaves, it's hard for her to let them back in. And, admittedly, Micheal left. And she didn't get on with him shiningly anyway. She's not as good with people as she would seem, just a select few.

So, his return to Hope? Hasn't been exactly what she was blissfully looking forward to. I see that, but I also see all the old issues she has and we've had to work through in our own relationship.

Lissie and Tia reconciled earlier today, but Tia still worries. And she's overprotective. She wouldn't deny it. Especially of Lissie. But it's good to see them not... as awkward anyway.

Me? I'm going to keep an open mind. I can't see any other method of survival in this situation.

Insomnia again

The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time

Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

I'm fine.
Really... I haven't really left my room much since the other day, and things are awkward between Tia and myself, but I'm fine. Yes, I took a risk, letting Michael in when I knew something was wrong. I seem to be slightly talented at that. Do I regret it? Maybe a little. Am I shaken? Maybe a little. After all, I let myself get drugged. Funny, that. But I'll be fine. I always am. I'll get past it. Because that's what I do. Every little break gets patched. It's just a matter of seeing if the whole is stronger or weaker after the mend.

Funny how I seem to be writing these posts at odder and odder hours. Comes from not sleeping much, I guess. I don't feel like dreaming right now. Not with what's been going on. I don't want it. I don't regret coming to Hope, though. It's nice here, even with everything. I've mostly been painting and watching movies on my laptop over the last few days, and I really don't mind that fact. I'm just... uncomfortable around people again. Which is sort of unfortunate, since I'd started to relax a bit. I'll deal.

And Michael, if you read this, I do forgive you. As I said. Because I can. Because it's honestly not worth holding it against you. It'd be completely stupid to get riled up over something happening to me, at this point. Even if it had been something else that had happened... It's not worth it. If I did, it would do more harm than good, in the long run. I'm not unaffected by this. I'm not completely numb, but I forgive you. I will never lie to you about the fact that I care, and I will try to be there for you as much as I can. We all have our problems. I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

We all have our problems.
I'm almost out of my meds. Just a few days worth left. This should be fun.

"Don't say goodbye. Because saying goodbye is leaving, and leaving is forgetting."